You Hate For Me To Love You

'Do you have what I want

Do you have what I need

Can you work with my heart

Can you handle me'



You say I'm too much

But who can I be but me

You say I'm not enough

But what do you really see



You point out all of my imperfections

But you can't hold up one conversation

You're drowning in a waterless pool

But you're the one shouting, telling me I'm a fool



'Do you have what I want

Do you have what I need

Can you work with my heart

Can you handle me'



You say you don't want me

But you're still with me

You say you don't love me

But you can't leave me

Now I'm the one leaving

And you're the one pleading



Who has what you want

Who has what you need

You say I'm not enough

But who can I be but me

Acts of an Act

It was a warm summer night
when our eyes met
One stroke of my hair
And our skin met
A sigh released
With your hand across my cheek
And your lips across mine
Your mouth was my cave to explore
And your body was my treasure
As or bodies moved in unison
A warmth filled my body
And soul
With your sweetness still lingering
small flashes light up the darkness
I pull you close to me
A tear falls from my brow
I rise to meet you
Our lips touch once again
Be it the First
But not the Last
For your sweetness lingers still
In the depths of my heart

with nothing spoken

It’s not the way he looks at me
But the way he stares off into the distance
It’s not the way he touches me
But the way he pulls me by being near
It’s not the way he kisses me
But the way his taste lingers just by his scent
Nor is it the way he says ‘I love you’
But it’s his heavy breaths of ecstasy that send chills up my spine
When it’s right
You feel it
With nothing spoken
You feel it in everything he doesn’t do for you
With something that strong
It’s hard to hold back the feelings
When his endeavor is you
More than words
Less than actions
Real love
Is felt most when nothing is said at all

The Man

I was asked one day
what kind of man would I like
to which I replied:

I would like a man
that isn't carved from stone
but one that was sent to me
from the highest of above
I want a man who,
when he walks into a room
steals no one's breath but mine
A man that at the very touch of his fingers
fills the rushing blood of my veins with air
which make my feels so light
I'm floating
A man that when he looks into my eyes
I am lost in a sea of clouds
That when he kisses me
The desire from my loins
is pulled through my lips
and the pleasure tastes as sweet as honey
And when he says 'I love you'
the words hold more meaning
than any man's wisdom
A man I wasn't looking for
but found anyway
For it is in this man
who not only holds my heart
but ours together

October 8, 2008

October 8, 2008

Isn’t it funny how one movie can change your mood? On sad movies you cry then you feel depressed and wanna drink. On funny ones you feel happy, cheerful and wanna drink. On romance ones you feel lonely and you wanna drink……. with someone. But then there are the ones that sort of enlighten you, and though a drink still sounds good there is a whole range of emotions that you go through. Latter Days does that for me. Ok, I don’t feel enlightened every time after watching it but I do go through a whole range of emotions. Seeing a movie like that makes me want change but at the same time wait for that one thing to come along. It makes me depressed because I want to love someone but at the same time it makes me want to be patient for someone to love me. Movies like that make me wonder that if I wait long enough fate will bring me someone who loves me, or does fate need me to change first in order for me to find that someone that I can love? I never find the answer instead I listen to a soothing song, imagine someone holding me and fall asleep.

I can’t sleep alone. I have never been able to. I sleep on a couch because when I sleep on a bed I feel wrong because there is no body there to comfort me. I long for that arm around me and hold me close to tell me that everything is going to be ok even though nothing is wrong. I ream of being loved by someone who can understand more than what I am saying but understand who I am.

I have always said that I am not attracted to the feminine gays because if I wanted to date a girl I would be straight. There is a little more to it than that. I want someone who can be a gentleman to me, someone who cares more than the fact that I am gay but more about the fact that I am a good person. I need someone who can see more than just first impressions but who I am on a day to day basis. I find that to be in a lot of “straight-acting” men, if that’s what you want to call it. But there in lies the problem, who is the “right guy”?  I can tell you down to table manners who my dream guy is but truth is, I want companionship and not just fun with a sparkling pair of pearly whites.

What does it come down to? How do I find what I am looking for without the phone dating line and the internet? I live in Fort Lupton, Colorado. In saying that with the fact that I don’t have a car (even though I own one), I am not helping myself much here. I am not sure what I want at this point and right now, I am too tired climbing around in my brain to figure it out. What I am going to do is listen to a soothing song, imagine someone holding me and fall asleep. Mr. Sandman, here I come.

Small Town Gay Life - Created July 10th, 2008

I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t watch TV, I couldn’t even write. Why can’t I find love? Hell, I would even settle for a cuddle buddy. Living in this town is like having a restriction on a gay life. You have all the people who like you and support you but not one of these people actually would consider dating you. This is why I find myself falling for every unavailable guy I lay my eyes on. Living in the city you had all the resources there, a nearby club, a nearby sex shop, and with the internet, a nearby one night stand. But there was always someone willing to travel a few miles to see you even if all you wanted was some snuggling and a movie. You were right there, you were convenient. The weekend at the lake was even more torture.

 

For the past month a group of friends have been asking to try and get some time off to spend the weekend at the lake. Working with a “flexible schedule” can translate into unpredictable. Just because one request the weekend off does not mean one gets it. However, through some divine miracle, I got what I asked for. As the new schedule was posted I looked with glee to see those wonderful two days with no hours posted in them. I didn’t know what to do. And as they approached I received news that my roommates would be gone Friday night with the house to myself. So the first chance I got I picked up my cell to call an over the phone “dating” line. I was a little nervous at first but after talking to a few people I was pretty sure that I had the gotten the hang of it.

 

Friday night came and with my practice night over with I decided to use the rest of my free minutes and find a one night stand. I was on search for the very thing I swore off when I lived in the city, but I was desperate to find someone to spend the night, even if it meant I had to have sex with him. I logged on and listened to the men looking for sex, drugs, and fetish fantasies. Not many guys on there were actually looking to chat a little before. For many it was stats, where, and when, not much room for small chat. After leaving my own introduction I quickly got a response from a guy who seemed around my age and in a semi nearby neighboring town. Meaning within a half and hour. We exchanged messages for a little then I threw the shyness out the window and gave him my number to call me so we can set something up.

Now came the part where I hang up the line and wait for him to call.

And wait.....

And wait.....

And wait.....

Well, I guess there is always porn.

To Love Me

Another lonely day

Another sleepless night

Both my enemy

And my only friend

Is the darkness in my sight

Awaiting numbing dreams

I cry myself to sleep

I wanna know when my time will come

Where is my love

A love to keep me

One more saddened song

Some other written words

I run through my emotions

I play with my own heart

It’s my shoulder I lean to first

Awaiting warm rays of the sun

I dry my tears away

Will it be today that brings the one

Please bring my love

A love to hold me

I’ve fallen in and out of love

With ones who’ll never know

I hold on to the hope

That I’ll find joy

I’ll find happiness

And when that day comes

I’ll give my heart way

To that someone

I’ll find a love

A love to love me

Another lonely day

Another sleepless night

Telekentic - Original Post Date November 5, 2007

I was up late and an idea came to me. Instead of writing it in one of my notebooks I thought I would write it here. The thought of having supernatural abilities has always interest me so here was an idea from my head.

She looked at me and smiled. I can't remember the last time I had seen her smile. She held her hand to my chin and looked me straight in the eye. As she ran her fingers through my hair she let me know that we would get through this. She told me she wasn't afraid of what I could do, she said she just had to get used to it.

When she sat back, I brought myself a tissue box from the bathroom without moving from the couch.

"Like that. That was still a little creepy." She said with a laugh

We both laughed and talked. I told her of how it wasn't just little things I could move and about my trip to the mountains. There I learned I could move boulders in massive amounts, shift object without even opening my eyes, even have trees bow down to me without breaking any part of it. I even told her that I was able to use my powers to fly, she didn't say much but it caught her attention.

"Are you serious? You could just fly out that window?" She asked with one eyebrow up.

I nodded and something told me that I struck an interest in her. I walked over to the balcony and without a word she followed me. When I took her hand she looked a little afraid but she exhaled deeply as to try and shake off any fear. With that I closed my eyes and we both took of into the night sky.

When she felt she was safe in the air, she opened her eyes and I told her to look over the city. At first she clung to my arm, scared she might fall. I told her she could let go for it wasn't my arm I was holding her with, it was my mind. I didn't think she would but slowly I felt her grip get weaker until she was no longer holding me. We flew all around the city, watching the pulse of the night life. We flew over the houses of people we knew, where we worked, even a few parks we went to as kids. After what seemed like hours I brought her back home.

She couldn't put her thoughts into words but we spent the rest of the night talking about how I discovered my powers and everything I could do. With everything I told her, I never got the nerve to tell her what happened in the desert. I couldn't tell her what I was capable of if my anger ever took over my abilities. It was something that still scared me to death.

Yesterday Is Gone - Original Post Date October 21, 2007

I'm sitting here thinking of you

Remembering the times that we lived through

You were my rock, You were my strength

You were my favorite fight and my best friend

You had countless stories of the times of your youth

And with nothing but time on my hands

My attention went to you

You forgave me when we fought

You saw me for who I really was

And the amount of love you showed me

Could never be measured with words

I can't explain the pain that filled my heart

When I got the call the you had really gone

Thoughts filled my head of what I could have done

But there was nothing for it was time to go home

If there was anything I could do

To show my appreciation and love for you

It would be to show you who I am today

I don't look back on yesterday

I don't live for tomorrow

I live with knowing I am happy of being me

You bring my happiness to this very day

And I know that through this journey of life

You will be my light I hold close to my heart

For you help me to realize

To love in life

You have to love life

Thank you for loving me

And I'll see you when you call me back home

Auto-karma-tic, Interjection, Or Free Will - Original Post Date May 6, 2007

Okay, so I am here to try to put things in perspective for myself. I was visiting my cousin Michelle in the hospital when I was trying to put together some events that have taken place. She was in an accident that has literally changed everyone's life. She was that important to people, that important to me. However, looking back I cannot get something out of my head.

With Karma, the golden rule is what goes around, comes around, but I can't think of anything that she could have done to deserve this. And while we were all affected by it, this accident didn't happen to us, it happened to her. Now, some say that God is giving us a bump in the road. Let me say this again, I have faith in God, I always have, and no matter what you think of what I say next is going to affect that. Now, that said, let me continue. The God that I have learned about ever since I was a child is this ever loving God who wants nothing but to love his creation, his children. Something else I learned is that though God may have the power to do some wonderous things, let us not forget that he also gave this world free will. Do I think that he doesn't answer prayers? Of course not. Do I think that he doesn't help us? I'm not saying that. What I am saying is that he wouldn't do anything to hurt us, I don't think that at all.

When an accident happens, it's just that, an accident. I have doubts to think that God would do hurt his own child for us to wake up and realizing what a loving God he is. However, if you are still shaking your head, let me go about it this way. In some part of the beginning, God gave mankind free will (not free willy). In that fact he gave us the chance to make mistakes, have accidents, and learn lessons on our own. Following that line of thinking I can see how people can say that this was an act of God, but he didn't purposefully put my cousin in front of a speeding vehicle. So the question that lies here is was it karma, God, or just free will coming into play? I know my answer and I am sticking with it.

So just to repeat myself, I haven't lost my faith in God. I just see things differently and I had to get that off my chest. I'm still praying for Michelle to have a fast recovery and she is doing so good. Thanks for listening.

Let's Talk About Choice, Ba-by - Original Post Date October 21, 2007

I never thought that the subject of sex could be the cause of so much controversy. I shouldn't be surprised for it does show up in history that it was NOT the most talked about subject since the dawn of man......... or was it. The subject has come up with some of my family members of why they think that I am who I am. Was it that my father wasn't really in the picture? Was is it that my mom never censored me as a child? Was it genetics? I can't answer these questions because I am not sure. What I can answer is the question I have gotten before. When did you choose this?

The answer, not the explanation, is this. I never had a choice. This wasn't a fad I saw and decide it was the better way to go. The only choices I had in this was to be who I was and let myself know that is was okay to be me. Now, let me explain. Growing up I never saw two men getting it on, I never saw two women making out, I never say a man dress up like a woman as a lifestyle. Before I saw any of this there was a guy. A friend of a cousin of mine. Everytime he came around I wanted to be around him. He was my first crush. My thoughts then were not "My god what is wrong with me" or "Are people going to hate me if I say anything." No, my first thought was "Me Like." The only lesbian couple that I can remember being around never showed that kind of emotion around me, for a long time I thought there were sisters. So my question then is how could I choose something that I didn't even know existed? How can I choose a lifestyle that was never introduced to me? I never saw same sex couples so why would I think it was ok?

A few people I have talked to like to bring God into the conversation. Something I can't get into me head is how a God and his Son are supposed to be so forgiving, so loving, would put me to death for something I, once again, didn't know I had a choice in. I have to say that if I had a choice, I wouldn't have chosen this lifestyle. I refuse to think that God and Jesus could forgive rapists (a violation that to me can never be forgiven), forgive murderers, but can't forgive me for loving someone who happens to be the same sex.

Now, there are those people who will tell others that it is no one's business what they do in the privacy of their own bedroom but to that statement I have this to say. If that is all you think that being gay or bi is, then why bother letting people know you are? Being gay, bi, or even straight is more than just sex. Being who you are is more than loving someone in the bedroom. It is about loving that person no matter where you are. It is about showing how you feel for someone no matter who is looking. Most of all it is about being happy of who you are because you love someone, and that person loves you back.

I think people need to be more worried about human lives rather than human lifestyles. This isn't some disease that is spreading, killing innocent people. There are children out there being abused to their very last breath, there are elderly who can't remember the people they have loved their whole lives, there families who have lost their father/mother/grandfather/grandmother/son/daughter because someone had a grudge on our goverment and took it out on innocent lives. There aren't a lot of people who are concerned about them, instead they want to focus on why people in our community wanting to get married, making accusations that affecting the sanctity of marraige. Isn't the point of marraige love? In the words of Whoopi "If you are that concerned with gay people getting married, don't marry one." Besides, I think those people should choose to get to know us before they judge........................................................

We're supposed to be more fun anyway, j/k.

Distraction, Attraction,..............Procrastination? - Original Date August 1, 2006

I pondered many a-thing today. I woke up this morning,........................this afternoon, trying to think of what I was going to do today. I needed to find a job and though I had already put in a few applications, I felt that maybe I needed to go drive around town and pop in to see if anyone was hiring. It seemed like every time I got the thought in me to do something, I saw something on T.V. that I wanted to see or my aunt was calling me to help her with something or my stomach was getting the best of me. It took me three hours to hall my ass into the shower.

When I was done showering, I did that thing where we look into the mirror to find the things not even we, ourselves would not be attracted to. My best friend was telling me that when her friends would meet me that they thought I was cute, sometimes hot. SOMETIMES! <----- That was for me so my head doesn't get too big, just kidding. Anyway, After spending sometime getting my hair ready, making sure I smelled good (breath is important), and picking out the right outfit, I completely forgot that I was even going to drive around town. Instead, I headed to my best friends' house. Which, by the way, is never a bad idea because I love her so much, but come on! I needed a job.

After reviewing my activities today, I wondered if subconsciously I took my time on purpose. Looking back on it now, I didn't really look foward to driving around in the heat in an outfit that suffocated me. Then again, if I took another look, it is Fort Lupton, to drive around takes seven minutes. Was it the heat that was getting to me, or was it that I was procrastinating about getting another job?

The Man "O" - Original Post Date September 26, 2006

Move-In Day

Before anything was moved in Jesse had to take one look at the house that he was going to live in for the rest of his life with the man he loved. Ok, so he was moving into the first house with the man he loved, because you can't deny the oncoming train of change. He took a few minutes to look around and view the house empty, letting the image soak in and the realization that this house was his. There was a small tingle in the back of his throat but was swallowed when there was a "honey" call from the front yard. When he reached for the door knob, there was a small fear of what was going to happen next, he was afraid to open the door to this new chapter in his life. He smiled, then........open.

He was suprised to see the movers were there with overly huge smiles on there faces. They almost looked more excited to move them in than he did. He gave the big thumbs up and they began to move with such quickness it almost made him dizzy.

"Look Babe, I know that you feel a little nervous, but I have to tell you that I cannot wait to start making some gooood memories in this house with you. I mean, it's so exciting! Our first house!"

That did make Jesse feel a little better that Danny didn't see them at this house for the next fifty years.

"Danny. Okay, now that they have started, I am putting my trust in you to remember what we discussed about furniture. I gotta go to work before I am late for breakfast with Rae. I love you."

Kiss, "I love you too. I'll see you in a few hours."

He always gotta kick out of how Danny remembered their shopping after eating. As he got into the car, Jesse started thinking about his dream last night. The things he saw seemed like something out of Mortal Kombat game. He tried to be his own therapist to see if there was anything he could link anything in the dream to the fear of moving in with Danny and though there might have been a few things the dream just seemed pointless. He always tried to write them down as soon as he woke up but there was something that kept him from doing that today.

Jess's stomach was growling loudly this morning. Now, he did have days he just woke up hungry and today was no exception. It wasn't that he was late on breakfast but he had woke up early to get some last minute items from his apartment. Leaving that place wasn't so hard. He and his landlord were not too fond of each other. The location was great, the price was very reasonable, and the landlord had said that he was one of the best tenants he has had for years. It was everything else that seemed to get in the way. Their political views, their views on certain adjustments with the building, and less he forget, the fact that Jess was a same sex kind of guy. Anyway, that was all over and he now had something to look forward to in his new place.

He was thinking about the movers and if they were being careful with his glass boxes when his phone rang. It was so loud it nearly made him swerve into the next lane. It was his mother. He was hesitant to answer but picked up before it went to voicemail. Like always, she began with simple conversation but went on about the new gossip of everyone else's life, the fights she got into with her husband, and the problems she had with his sister Nina who was in the rebellious stage in her teen life. Jess learned to pay attention to what she said and drown her voice out at the same time. He had grown tired the pointless phone calls about how bad she had it. It wasn't that he didn't care, but at the same time, it wasn't like he could do much about it. He couldn't take care of someone who doesn't want to take care of themselves anymore. He had put up with a lot of bullshit with her in the past and he was fed up with it now.

He let her go as he pulled up to the restaurant and there was that mouth-watering smell of the Santiago's breakfast cooking up. Rae pulled up at the same time he did and he noticed that she was dressed a little down than she usually does for their weekly breakfast.

"Damn, if I would have known this was a pajama breakfast, I would have worn my scoobie doo boxers. What's wrong? You look a little like hell."

"Gee, thanks. Christopher happened. He woke me up at four this morning to let me know he puked in his bed after he ate something that looked like a bunch of tic tac's. I was freaking out, thinking it was some rat poison I had set out and took him to the emergency room. I started calling John all crazy because he wouldn't answer his phone. After like fifteen minutes he finally picked up. After I spit out what happened he hung up and sped to the hospital." She rubbed her head like the memory hurt.

"After like an hour and half of waiting, they came out and told me he was fine. What he though were tic-tac's were in fact tic-tacs, he is allergic to them. I took him home and tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't" She seemed like the words were agony to come out."

After getting out the morning events, they sat down and ordered. Everytime they looked at the meny they want to get something different, but everytime they just spit out their usual order, it's like clockwork. Jess wanted to let Rae know about his dream but for awhile kept it to himself. After a half hour of adjusting in his seat, he finally got the nerve to spill his beans about it. He started to describe it and as he did Rae noticed that he was shaking a little bit, like he was scared to talk about it. It wasn't like it was a nightmare, in fact, he doesn't remember even feeling scared in the dream, or when he woke up. Yet, it seemed chilling for him to talk about it out loud. Like it was almost too much for him to handle.

After they finished breakfast, Rae thought it best she go home and try to get some sleep. They said their goodbye's for the week and went to the duties for the day. The rest of the week seemed to drag a little bit after that and Jess wasn't up for working on the house. Danny helped that Sunday with thngs but went to work that Monday. Jess stayed home to work on unpacking and re-arranging some of the furniture until it felt just right. Finally, after two weeks it began to feel like home.Danny worked till six most days after that they spent most of the nights making fun memories for their new home. Another Friday night rolled around, and with everything done for now, both of them just wanted to sleep.

"Focus O. Remember, if you can put fear into your enemy's eyes, they are yours for the killing after."

That was all he remembered from his dream that night. He woke up sweaty and tired. He never thought that a dream would take that much out of him but it did. He looked at the clock to see if he overslept but he hadn't, actually he still had an hour to sneak if he wanted. The phone rang, it was Rae. She called to ask him to meet her a little earlier, she had something she wanted to tell him. He hung up the phone and hopped into the shower to geat ready to meet her. After he got out he expected to see Danny up but he was still asleep, which was odd because he usually woke up long before Jess would. When he tried to wake him, he just grunted and turned his head. Jess figured he might be tired from moving so he finished getting ready and headed out.

As he drove up to Santi's, he inhaled the incredible smell coming the restaurant. He was almost to the door when he heard Rae call for him across the street. She parked in lot across from the restaurant because the front parking was all full. He started walking toward her to meet her waving hand when he noticed a man standing beside her waving also. Jesse wasn't sure what was going on but started crossing the street anyway. Who knew two steps off a curb would change your life.

What happened next was sort of hard to intake when Jesse ran through it in his head. Rae's expression went from extreme eagerness to total fear. He wasn't sure what made him turn around but when he did, was staring at the gun that was pointing right for his head. Even though he froze up from shock he could still hear the cars coming toward him.

It just seemed like he blinked and the man who was about to shoot him was now lying on the ground behind the cars that nearly killed him. Jesse rushed to see if the man was ok but The he wasn't even breathing. Th man that seemed like he wanted to take Jesse's like was now dead himself.

Dream

With the view of your smile
And the dew on your skin
I inhale the fragrance
That is lifting from your body
With the light from your eyes
You pull me close to your bosom
And I listen to your heart
Beating so softly
What can this be
but a call from heaven
Who could you be
but an angel created for me
I run my fingers across your cheek
Through your hair
A tear falls
With one a finger
You lift my eyes to see yours
Our mouths touch to an endless embrace
Three words escape your lips
They fill the room
Surround me
Hold me tight
Through the walls
You found me
I love you

A Kind of Love

Though I am not alone
I am in solitude
Though I have many people around me
It is still only me
I have friends that love me
I have family that love me
So why is there no one to love
Most say I’m too young
I still want someone to love
Someone to love me
Some say I should wait
I still want someone to love
Someone to love me
I’ll stand proud to most
I’ve stood proud to all
With the smoothness of my hips
A smile upon my face
I still want someone to love
Someone to love me
Manly men
Gentle men
Gentlemen
Shy men
Fun men
Men to love
With all these men
I feel that I am the only one
I find myself no longer looking
Still yearning
But no longer searching
I feel there is hope
But I cannot find it
And I still want someone to love
Someone to love me
I love myself and there is love to share
I love what I do and I try to do for others
I love to laugh and try to bring laughter
I love life and have life to love
But there is something about that love
The kind of love that sinks in your heart
The kind of love that buries itself in your soul
The love that brings
Warmth
Joy
Tears
Pain
Overflowing cups of happiness
With no one to love
I love my friends
I love my family
Most say I’m too young
But I still want someone to love
Someone to love me