October 8, 2008

October 8, 2008

Isn’t it funny how one movie can change your mood? On sad movies you cry then you feel depressed and wanna drink. On funny ones you feel happy, cheerful and wanna drink. On romance ones you feel lonely and you wanna drink……. with someone. But then there are the ones that sort of enlighten you, and though a drink still sounds good there is a whole range of emotions that you go through. Latter Days does that for me. Ok, I don’t feel enlightened every time after watching it but I do go through a whole range of emotions. Seeing a movie like that makes me want change but at the same time wait for that one thing to come along. It makes me depressed because I want to love someone but at the same time it makes me want to be patient for someone to love me. Movies like that make me wonder that if I wait long enough fate will bring me someone who loves me, or does fate need me to change first in order for me to find that someone that I can love? I never find the answer instead I listen to a soothing song, imagine someone holding me and fall asleep.

I can’t sleep alone. I have never been able to. I sleep on a couch because when I sleep on a bed I feel wrong because there is no body there to comfort me. I long for that arm around me and hold me close to tell me that everything is going to be ok even though nothing is wrong. I ream of being loved by someone who can understand more than what I am saying but understand who I am.

I have always said that I am not attracted to the feminine gays because if I wanted to date a girl I would be straight. There is a little more to it than that. I want someone who can be a gentleman to me, someone who cares more than the fact that I am gay but more about the fact that I am a good person. I need someone who can see more than just first impressions but who I am on a day to day basis. I find that to be in a lot of “straight-acting” men, if that’s what you want to call it. But there in lies the problem, who is the “right guy”?  I can tell you down to table manners who my dream guy is but truth is, I want companionship and not just fun with a sparkling pair of pearly whites.

What does it come down to? How do I find what I am looking for without the phone dating line and the internet? I live in Fort Lupton, Colorado. In saying that with the fact that I don’t have a car (even though I own one), I am not helping myself much here. I am not sure what I want at this point and right now, I am too tired climbing around in my brain to figure it out. What I am going to do is listen to a soothing song, imagine someone holding me and fall asleep. Mr. Sandman, here I come.

Small Town Gay Life - Created July 10th, 2008

I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t watch TV, I couldn’t even write. Why can’t I find love? Hell, I would even settle for a cuddle buddy. Living in this town is like having a restriction on a gay life. You have all the people who like you and support you but not one of these people actually would consider dating you. This is why I find myself falling for every unavailable guy I lay my eyes on. Living in the city you had all the resources there, a nearby club, a nearby sex shop, and with the internet, a nearby one night stand. But there was always someone willing to travel a few miles to see you even if all you wanted was some snuggling and a movie. You were right there, you were convenient. The weekend at the lake was even more torture.

 

For the past month a group of friends have been asking to try and get some time off to spend the weekend at the lake. Working with a “flexible schedule” can translate into unpredictable. Just because one request the weekend off does not mean one gets it. However, through some divine miracle, I got what I asked for. As the new schedule was posted I looked with glee to see those wonderful two days with no hours posted in them. I didn’t know what to do. And as they approached I received news that my roommates would be gone Friday night with the house to myself. So the first chance I got I picked up my cell to call an over the phone “dating” line. I was a little nervous at first but after talking to a few people I was pretty sure that I had the gotten the hang of it.

 

Friday night came and with my practice night over with I decided to use the rest of my free minutes and find a one night stand. I was on search for the very thing I swore off when I lived in the city, but I was desperate to find someone to spend the night, even if it meant I had to have sex with him. I logged on and listened to the men looking for sex, drugs, and fetish fantasies. Not many guys on there were actually looking to chat a little before. For many it was stats, where, and when, not much room for small chat. After leaving my own introduction I quickly got a response from a guy who seemed around my age and in a semi nearby neighboring town. Meaning within a half and hour. We exchanged messages for a little then I threw the shyness out the window and gave him my number to call me so we can set something up.

Now came the part where I hang up the line and wait for him to call.

And wait.....

And wait.....

And wait.....

Well, I guess there is always porn.

To Love Me

Another lonely day

Another sleepless night

Both my enemy

And my only friend

Is the darkness in my sight

Awaiting numbing dreams

I cry myself to sleep

I wanna know when my time will come

Where is my love

A love to keep me

One more saddened song

Some other written words

I run through my emotions

I play with my own heart

It’s my shoulder I lean to first

Awaiting warm rays of the sun

I dry my tears away

Will it be today that brings the one

Please bring my love

A love to hold me

I’ve fallen in and out of love

With ones who’ll never know

I hold on to the hope

That I’ll find joy

I’ll find happiness

And when that day comes

I’ll give my heart way

To that someone

I’ll find a love

A love to love me

Another lonely day

Another sleepless night