October 8, 2008

October 8, 2008

Isn’t it funny how one movie can change your mood? On sad movies you cry then you feel depressed and wanna drink. On funny ones you feel happy, cheerful and wanna drink. On romance ones you feel lonely and you wanna drink……. with someone. But then there are the ones that sort of enlighten you, and though a drink still sounds good there is a whole range of emotions that you go through. Latter Days does that for me. Ok, I don’t feel enlightened every time after watching it but I do go through a whole range of emotions. Seeing a movie like that makes me want change but at the same time wait for that one thing to come along. It makes me depressed because I want to love someone but at the same time it makes me want to be patient for someone to love me. Movies like that make me wonder that if I wait long enough fate will bring me someone who loves me, or does fate need me to change first in order for me to find that someone that I can love? I never find the answer instead I listen to a soothing song, imagine someone holding me and fall asleep.

I can’t sleep alone. I have never been able to. I sleep on a couch because when I sleep on a bed I feel wrong because there is no body there to comfort me. I long for that arm around me and hold me close to tell me that everything is going to be ok even though nothing is wrong. I ream of being loved by someone who can understand more than what I am saying but understand who I am.

I have always said that I am not attracted to the feminine gays because if I wanted to date a girl I would be straight. There is a little more to it than that. I want someone who can be a gentleman to me, someone who cares more than the fact that I am gay but more about the fact that I am a good person. I need someone who can see more than just first impressions but who I am on a day to day basis. I find that to be in a lot of “straight-acting” men, if that’s what you want to call it. But there in lies the problem, who is the “right guy”?  I can tell you down to table manners who my dream guy is but truth is, I want companionship and not just fun with a sparkling pair of pearly whites.

What does it come down to? How do I find what I am looking for without the phone dating line and the internet? I live in Fort Lupton, Colorado. In saying that with the fact that I don’t have a car (even though I own one), I am not helping myself much here. I am not sure what I want at this point and right now, I am too tired climbing around in my brain to figure it out. What I am going to do is listen to a soothing song, imagine someone holding me and fall asleep. Mr. Sandman, here I come.