The Life We Live

It's been almost eight years
Yet
I come back here
And it's staring me down
I still smell
The food that was cooked on that stove
I still feel the carpet beneath my feet
Separating meds
Giving shots
And the smell of the air
While I take out the trash
The feel of the cold concrete
While I sit outside to think
How young was I
The burn of the tobacco
The feeling of the end
It's not easy
Eight years later
And I feel the familiar feeling
It's not a question if I've moved on
It's history repeating itself
It's loss all over again
We move on
But at what cost
Life
Is never ending

Gone

I woke that morning
To find you gone
I thought I had lost you before
But today I knew it was forever
I didn't cry
I didn't break down
But most importantly
I didn't die
I smelled the cold crisp air
Coming in the bedroom window
It was different today
It was better today
I let it fill my head
It gave me a high
One I had never known
The steps I take today
Are with my head held high
My coffee will be warmer
My walk will be straighter
And everywhere I go
Will be a new adventure
And though my days will be brighter
It comes at a price
One that I fight pay
Every time it come around
Though my day will go so well
It's the nights
The nights I will feel more deeply
My sweater becomes colder
My steps so much slower
And my tears
My tears are so much heavier
I delve
And I delve deep
For to see the sun shine
I must fight through the night
I will fight every night
To feel the warm sun
Once again
Shine upon me

Long Lost

I look and find nothing
But I look again
The same crazy notion
That runs through my head
Gets me looking
Over and over again
I never find it
It's never there
Yet I look
And feel nothing

To Lose

I heard it in the distance
A low rumble from afar
I felt the earth shake below me
Steadily getting stronger
In an instant a hundred miles had passed
And there it was at my door step
The power of a thousand horses beat my heart
A tidal wave of wind sent me backwards
The weight of the world pushed me down
In no time at all I was at me knees
The mountains crashed down
The sun became black
The world vanished before my eyes
I was left in a vast desert of nothing
Frozen in sorrow I almost died
So easily I found myself lost
But in the darkness there was a light
And in the distance
A single horse came my way
And I began to rise to me feet

Broken

How can I tell you not to hurt
How can I tell you not to care
You've been a hero for too many
For so long
Who knew you were so fragile
The strongest one I know
Is now at her knees
Asking why
What can I say
The whole world needs you
It's time for you to need us
The whole world loves you
It's time to love yourself
The hurt won't last forever
But your courage
Will echo through the years
Wipe your tears my warrior
Rise to see the sun shining once again

Mirror of Life

I've been lain here
Left to die
With no love
Or light
To call my own
My fingers dry
And cracked
Digging into the earth
Trying to rise again
My lips dry
And bleeding
Trying to breathe
Just one more breath
The sun
Pushing down my fragile body
It's suddenly blocked
A cold wet liquid
Pours on my body
Reaches my mouth
The waters overflow
I'd nearly forgotten how to swallow
I peel open my eyes
To see you over me
Your tears hit
My open palms
I ask why you're crying
You tell me you left me
You left me to die
As I look closer
I see your face even clearer
Only to realize
That you and I
Are one in the same

Nearly Lost

She looks at the sun
Coming through the shreds of leaves
He drinks in all
The Tree has to offer
But forgets
She abandoned it long ago
For when he looks down
He sees what is lost
She runs her hand
Along the cold, dry base
But his finger is cut
By a blackened thorn
Beauty and color
Once lived here
Now only gray covers it all
And Death grips his withered hands
The now weakened roots
She is blind
To the needs of the Tree
For all he must do
Is surround it with love
And a dying soul
Will flourish once more

Rainy Nights

As I listen to it fall
I feel my heart moving inside me
The cool wind it leaves across my face
It relaxes me
Nothing else
Just me and the soothing rain
With no light on but a dimmed street lamp
I lean back to let the water hit my face
I forget about the world
I let everything slip away
I let myself be
Underneath the night
And the cool, smooth rain

I'll live my life

When my faith in you dwindles
I'll live my life
When your words linger then fall
I'll live my life
When you no longer see in my direction
I'll live my life
When I'm empowered by the pain
I'll live my life
When your clouds that surround me blow away
I'll live my life
When it's no longer about you
I'll live my life
When trust falls through your hands
I'll live my life
And as you just stand in the crowd
I'll live my life

To See A World

Tall tales in a world of happiness
Tall tales in a world of sorrow
One can't see past the other
One can only see the lies
There's light in the darkness
Night shines through the day
When one world shifts to the other
The sun rises in the other direction
True tales in a world of happiness
True tales in a world of sorrow

Your Own Life

I live
I breathe
I eat
I sleep
I hurt
I bleed
I feel
I fall
Just like everyone else
I live my own life
Just like everyone else
I believe in what I choose to believe
Just like everyone else
I fall in love just like everyone else
I don't bother anyone
I don't hurt anyone
I don't get angry at anyone I don't know
Mainly cause I don't know them enough to care
Yet I find it amazing that I don't care
What you think or
How you choose to live your life
But you judge me and
Try to stop me living mine
So who's life are you really living
Mine
Or Yours

Our Curse

When should our wishing hearts
Wake from this eternal slumber
When should our eyes open
To see the world in rolling thunder
Save the knight and return today
For our souls are filled with hunger
Could it be that we're too blind
To see that time begins to unwind
We count the days until we find
Our hearts still beat
but our lives are here no longer

Lost Soldier

Lost Soldier
You've got nothing to fear
You're safe here in my arms
Tonight
I'll be your protector
I'll be your shelter
In the night
Lost Soldier
Be still now
Be ever so still
Hear your heart beat with mine
Let your love be mine
Lost Soldier
I'll be your longing comfort
I'll hold you in my arms
I'll hold you oh so tightly
I'll hold you oh so tightly
I'll hold you oh so tightly love
My Lost Soldier
Be still in my arms tonight

Journal Entry 1-4-2011

It’s interesting. People go by every year making New Year’s Resolutions that we don’t follow. We promise ourselves we are going to do everything in our power that this is the year that we will change. For the first few months, it works. Everyone goes about doing what we can to keep that promise. Maybe it is a diet, a desired career path, a new look with a new wardrobe, or maybe it was to fall in love. The truth about those resolutions, those promises, is they never work. The easiest person to lie to is ourselves, we are also the easiest person to let down. Too many times we break our own promises because in the end we knew we would be the person we were hurting. I hardly ever keep a promise to myself and still I get so saddened after time has gone by only to realise that I didn’t change they way I wanted, I didn’t do the things I was trying to set out to do. And it isn’t like I got lost or saw a better opportunity, I simply didn’t do anything to change, to keep that promise. Sometimes, though, when I’ve promised myself something and I’ve forgotten what it was, somehow it seems to find it’s way back to me only it jolts my life so harshly that not only did it change me but it changed everything around me. Sometimes it’s for the better and sometimes not but either way it doesn’t always seem to turn out for the better for the people I love. It seems like someone always gets hurt. I didn’t make a promise this year. I’ve set some goals with no dates on them. I didn’t say “This is the year for that change!” as I have said in the past. So many times I try to find an answer to some problem I’ve conjured up that I forget that the best thing to do is just live. Sometimes I forget that I am already the person I want to be and that I need to take my time to just live it out. And who knows, maybe the answer I was looking for was trying to find me all along, I was just to busy with my head to the ground to notice.

The Path

She passes the path again
She is comforted in what waits for her
But she is scared to go to it
It calls to her
She yearns for it
Yet something stops her

His heart is broken again
He can’t take it anymore
He’s back at the path
He turns away
But he looks back
He wants it
But is stopped once again

She’s knocked to the ground
She is bruised and bloody
She’s at the path again
It is so inviting
It’s kind and gentle
She needs it
She turns away
But she looks back
She cries for it
But is stopped once again

He is hanging
His last breath is near
He is battered
He is broken
He won’t last much longer
His tears burn as they run down his face
The path is there once more
It calls to save him
It reaches to help him
There is light on the path
He fights to escape the oncoming darkness
But again he turns away
He looks back
But is stopped once again

She feels a hand
The darkness has all but consumed her
She opens her eyes
She is no longer at the tree
She is no longer alone
She has been brought to the the path
There are no more bruises
No more tears
And she is not alone
She doesn’t turn away
But steps onto the path
The darkness calls to her
But she doesn’t look back
There is nothing in her way
There is nothing stopping her