Life

it’s what calls us to
it’s what we suddenly see in the light
it’s what we can cherish for generations to come
it’s what we breathe
it’s what we eat
it’s what is always there, wanted or not
it’s what deceives us
it’s what makes us cry
it hits us hard when we least expect it
it’s what picks us up after we’ve fallen
it will turn on you
it will make you smile
if it doesn’t kill you
it will make you stronger
it will make you smarter
it will make you happier
it will give you the will to go on
see it
love it
live it
it’s your life

I'm here

It's one night
First of many
It's sweet
Simple
And satisfactory
I felt it's presence again
Just me and my love
People hustle around me
Around us
The loud sounds
Sooth my yearning ears
It's what I do
It's what we do
Me
And my city

Call to the Siren

Sing to me

Pull at my soul

End my misery

Drift me to you

These tears fall

But disappear

Into the night air

Bring me to my knees

Drown this pain

With your sweet

Intoxicating

Vocalic daggers

I search for you

Draw me out

Of my constant nightmare

Invite me to

My hooded savior

He’s gone from me

Taken from these hands

He was meant to stay

Stay with me

I long to hear your voices

Long to see him again

Send me home

Send me to that lasting place

Hold me

Hold on

Till forever fades away

Send me to him

This world is all but gray

Sing to me

Sing till I can’t turn away

Sing till me face

Shows no emotion

Break me open

Let your words

Pour me dry

Till all that’s left of me

Lies with him

Present

If only today
We lived
Just for a moment
If only yesterday
We took
That opportunity
If only tomorrow
We saw
That it never really comes
If only now
We grabbed
Our shining star
If only then
We sought
Our only chance
If only further
We could see
Our coming danger
But it is not
The past
Nor is it
The future
That we hold in our hands
It is
This very minute
Embrace it

In This World

Beautiful
Is the wisdom
That washes over me
Like the summer sun
She walked with me
Down the narrow path
And we are not afaid
I am her protector
But she is the one
Who watches over me
I keep beating
She keeps believing
Tears will fall
Hearts will be broken
But we are not afraid
With her at my side
The world makes sense
With me at her side
I make sense
Hand in hand
We will conquer the world
Soul in soul
We will conquer
Our lives
And through the horrors
Of this world
We will never be afraid

Force of Life

It's one big world
It's in their nature
People tear me down
It's in my nature
I'll be on my feet again
I've been under before
But my dreams keep me afloat
I keep myself going
I keep myself breathing
I've been broken
But I've been fixed
It's just me
Me is all I have to be
I'm still here
It's my life
I'll keep on fighting
Because I have to
Nothing
No one
Will stop me from
What I can do
It's just me
Me is all I have to be
Though sometimes lonely
I'm never alone
Though sometimes weak
I never lose strength
Though sometimes hopeless
I neve give up hope
Sometimes scared
I'm fearless
Sometimes hurt
I'm unbreakable
Sometimes loveless
I'm surrounded by it
Sometimes lifeless
I LIVE
I'M ALIVE
I'm still here
It's my life
I'll keep on fighting
Because I have to
Nothing
No one
Will stop me from
What I can do
What I can be
It's just me
Me is all I can be

My Own Personal Evil

A drug I don't need
A feeling I don't have
A word to remain unspoken
A world upside down
Another bridge burned
A heaven I can't see
A hell I don't want
A word to remain unspoken
A state untouched
A work of art ruined
A soul unsaved
A soul lost
A family separated
A family united
A word to remain unspoken
A prize not recieved
A reward undeserved
A love thrown away
A love given up
A smile broken
A heart torn
A life
A life
An unspoken word
Gone
A story ended
Like so many others
With an unspoken word

To Feel What Isn't There

I saw you again
this morning
I basked in your essence
then
just as I do every morning
I throw you away
I remind myself
I don't need you
I don't care for you
like you care for me
you need me to exist
but you must ask yourself
if you are with me
are you really yourself?
You hurt me
you make me hurt myself
I ache only when
you are around
yet
on most nights
I find myself in your arms
will I ever be free of you?
Or will I find someway
to have you near me
once more?
I can't stand you
but some days I feel
I need you
I feel your breath
on my neck
when people
are around
I wash you off
in my morning shower
yet
in the cool breeze
of the afternoon rain
you are standing
in front of me
waiting for me
please lose memory of me
I would very much like
to do the same of you

Reclaim

Why do you insist
on taking yourself
away from me
it's a daily struggle
to get you in my hands
yet as quickly
as I have you
you are gone
the days I don't see you
seem so long
I become so fragile
there are times
when
it gets so hard
I don't see myself
going any further
but through
the grace of God
I find myself
reaching for you
yet again
time after time
I'm reminded
just how harsh
and cold
you can be
it's then that
I ask myself
Are you worth it?
Yes
yes is my answer
because in the end
if no one else thinks so
I need to remind myself
yes
I am worh it

Decision making

It's towards the end of my night and I'm mulling over some major issues I hadn't even expected being faced with earlier today. Due to my binds to secrecy I dare not even touch at hints to what it is but rest assure I need to take on esome serious thought.

Anyhow, it wasn't my inability to come to a conclusion to write today. No, it was actually watching a certain movie in which a blogger was blogging about something she loves to do. It reminded me of what I love to do. I love to write. Which is what also is bugging the crap out of me. My computer isn't working up to par. What can I say? It's a PC. I was nearly devastated at the thought of losing my book but I think that if left alone and in the hands of the right person it can be saved. I feel hopeful.

With my computer on the fritz and my itch for writing getting stronger, I turned to my old friend. I picked up once again a pen and a paper. Though that was feeding my hunger for writing it wasn't getting put through the process of getting onto my blog which at one point I had fully comitted to. And then guess what I remembered! I HAD AN IPHONE!!! One of the worlds most greatest inventions! It made me realize that I need to get in better touch with it, which for me I thought I already was. Thats when decided to write tonight.

Truth be told there was so much more that I wanted to write tonight but guess what, it's time for bed. Good night all, anyone.

Entry 1

I decided that rather than just doing my writings, I would enter a journal entry. Since, by definition, a blog is supposed to have regular entries. So here it goes:

I used to pride myself on the happy person I was. I am such a strong believer that if one wants to be a happier person, than they should just be one. I believe that everyone holds on to whatever it is that makes them un-happy and they just need to let it go. Is it that simple? In some cases yes, but I also find that it is not a case of simplicity.

Take myself, for instance. As I said before I used to take pride of my state of happiness but lately I haven’t been so happy. I have begun to let in feelings that I would normally never get to me. One feeling, in particular, is anger. I put the blame on a lot of things but I can’t honestly say that my blame is in the correct slot. I’ve blamed sexual frustration, family frustration, financial frustration, but in my experience, these have always been there and I have dealt with them with the mentality that they will always exist. I have never let these normal day to day frustrations get to me in such a way. So what exactly is the source for all this anger and frustration? I can’t say for sure. One thing that I am sure is that I need to take some time to myself and figure it out before I begin getting myself into some un-necessary trouble.

Normally, in the past, whenever I would feel this way I would channel all my energy into writing. I still do, however, lately I haven’t had the urge to channel these emotions into my writing. Instead, I have been trying to find other emotions for my fuel. It hasn’t been easy. So, instead of finding a healthier way to write I have found myself even more frustrated for both not channeling my emotions correctly and worse, letting it affect my writing in the complete opposite direction than intended.

After all these emotions going in all sorts of directions, I yet to actually place these bad emotions in the right place in such a way it is starting to affect my friendships. I have started to anger quickly and in most situations I may have been the one to blame in the first place. I have started to tangle myself in a web of gossip, lies, and distrust. Though it isn’t a big web now, if I don’t do something soon to stop it, it will only get worse. I have begun to strive for news in other’s lives and forget that the one life I need to focus on is my own. I have actually come to despise the actions of some, which I will admit I have always done, but instead of letting it go, I have held on to these emotions. I sometimes share these feelings with my friends but when I get caught back in these emotions I only create a bigger hypocrite than I think myself to be.

I wonder now as I am typing if it is all this that is angering me. I have started to lose the values and beliefs I clung to so tightly. Not only that, but I have started to fall into a pit of the very thing I used to be disgusted with. I find myself at a crossroads. A crossroad like this used to be easy for me but I have found myself standing at this very one for a lengthy amount of time. I have distracted myself at making a decision with other things that I really don’t need in my life. Why is it so hard to for me to move on from here?

I have had people throw everything at from age to twenty-four years of bottled emotions. I don’t feel like any reason I have heard from anyone is the right one for me. Yet, I can’t seem to find my own explanation to any of the questions I have in my head right now. The last time I was in this predicament I ran to get away from all the noise to find clarity in the quiet. I don’t think I can do that now. I found myself alone in the quiet and I realized that I needed the noise for comfort. Maybe what I need now is to find that middle ground. Distance myself from the noise but keep it within reach.

Well as always, I need to take in to account everything I have just discussed with ...myself and re-evaluate everything and hope that the answer works its way in there. I think I may have an answer but instead of making an impulse decision, I need to marinate on the idea first.

then, now, and what could be

The sound of rain and thunder
Coming from my speakers
The perfect song playing
And you’re running through my mind
I mutter your names ever so slightly
Not sure if I really want to hear them
Out loud anyway
I turn to my right
As though to look at you
As you’re reading over my shoulder
But to no surprise
You’re not there
Having the movie just ended
I am reminded of your fingers
Following the pattern in my hand
Or maybe trying to find your way through the maze
And not even I could gather the courage
To show the way to myself
To get close is to get the farthest away from me
Where does that get me?
But farther away from you
You who I either don’t know at all
Or I knew you all to well
Knowing or not knowing
I yearn for you still
It’s funny
I don’t see you in my presence
Yet I feel all around me
I feel your touch
I hear your breath
And I wonder if you will every show your face to me
I thought maybe I heard your footsteps
The other day
I thought you were right behind me
But the steps weren’t for me at all
But for a perfect stranger
Were they for me at all?
Will they ever be for me?
Is that what you are now?
A stranger
A perfect stranger
The perfect stranger
I wait
I wonder
I wait for an answer
I wonder if I had let it go
I glance to my right one last time
Only to find you in the same place
Not there at all
Then
Now
What could be
Where does that leave me?