Entry 1

I decided that rather than just doing my writings, I would enter a journal entry. Since, by definition, a blog is supposed to have regular entries. So here it goes:

I used to pride myself on the happy person I was. I am such a strong believer that if one wants to be a happier person, than they should just be one. I believe that everyone holds on to whatever it is that makes them un-happy and they just need to let it go. Is it that simple? In some cases yes, but I also find that it is not a case of simplicity.

Take myself, for instance. As I said before I used to take pride of my state of happiness but lately I haven’t been so happy. I have begun to let in feelings that I would normally never get to me. One feeling, in particular, is anger. I put the blame on a lot of things but I can’t honestly say that my blame is in the correct slot. I’ve blamed sexual frustration, family frustration, financial frustration, but in my experience, these have always been there and I have dealt with them with the mentality that they will always exist. I have never let these normal day to day frustrations get to me in such a way. So what exactly is the source for all this anger and frustration? I can’t say for sure. One thing that I am sure is that I need to take some time to myself and figure it out before I begin getting myself into some un-necessary trouble.

Normally, in the past, whenever I would feel this way I would channel all my energy into writing. I still do, however, lately I haven’t had the urge to channel these emotions into my writing. Instead, I have been trying to find other emotions for my fuel. It hasn’t been easy. So, instead of finding a healthier way to write I have found myself even more frustrated for both not channeling my emotions correctly and worse, letting it affect my writing in the complete opposite direction than intended.

After all these emotions going in all sorts of directions, I yet to actually place these bad emotions in the right place in such a way it is starting to affect my friendships. I have started to anger quickly and in most situations I may have been the one to blame in the first place. I have started to tangle myself in a web of gossip, lies, and distrust. Though it isn’t a big web now, if I don’t do something soon to stop it, it will only get worse. I have begun to strive for news in other’s lives and forget that the one life I need to focus on is my own. I have actually come to despise the actions of some, which I will admit I have always done, but instead of letting it go, I have held on to these emotions. I sometimes share these feelings with my friends but when I get caught back in these emotions I only create a bigger hypocrite than I think myself to be.

I wonder now as I am typing if it is all this that is angering me. I have started to lose the values and beliefs I clung to so tightly. Not only that, but I have started to fall into a pit of the very thing I used to be disgusted with. I find myself at a crossroads. A crossroad like this used to be easy for me but I have found myself standing at this very one for a lengthy amount of time. I have distracted myself at making a decision with other things that I really don’t need in my life. Why is it so hard to for me to move on from here?

I have had people throw everything at from age to twenty-four years of bottled emotions. I don’t feel like any reason I have heard from anyone is the right one for me. Yet, I can’t seem to find my own explanation to any of the questions I have in my head right now. The last time I was in this predicament I ran to get away from all the noise to find clarity in the quiet. I don’t think I can do that now. I found myself alone in the quiet and I realized that I needed the noise for comfort. Maybe what I need now is to find that middle ground. Distance myself from the noise but keep it within reach.

Well as always, I need to take in to account everything I have just discussed with ...myself and re-evaluate everything and hope that the answer works its way in there. I think I may have an answer but instead of making an impulse decision, I need to marinate on the idea first.