In a bar somewhere in the city…
A mutual friend of ours tells me I should get your number. I shake my head and she asks why not.
“It’s really not a good idea to make that mistake.”
Unfortunately, for me, you overheard our conversation. Your immediate reaction was to be insulted but you’re more curious than anything.
“Did you call me a mistake?” You say, keeping composure.
I proceed to apologize and try to explain that I wasn’t trying to imply that you are the mistake but that me asking for your number would be.
“How so?” You ask, with a bit skepticism.
I prepare to apologize again and explain that, though it is an extremely overused saying, it’s not you, it’s me. You seemed to sense this, however. Before I can speak you say,
“No really, indulge me. I’d really like to know”
I pause to decide how honest I want to be here until I ultimately decide to just go for it.
“I’m an asshole and-“
Our friend cuts me off to disagree with me and scold me for always saying that. There’s a part of me that kicks in to gear and I ask to let me get through my explanation before any protests or opinions. My turn ask for indulgence.
Let’s go through me asking for your number. Let’s say I do and you, out of whatever interest or curiosity, decide to go for it as well. After some exchanged texts and flirting, we go on a date. I suggest dinner at a diner because I know of place where it won’t be too loud to hold a conversation. Maybe even head to a movie afterwards because we both love horror films.
Date night comes. We start asking all the questions you ask to get to know one another. You start telling me a story that happened at work a few weeks ago and I start to notice just how much of a happy person you can be. “Even in the face of adversity.” as you had once said.
Let’s fast forward a year and you’re going to an event by yourself. You invited me to go but I’m not feeling energetic enough to get out of the house. While you’re there you text me to tell me a few people say hi and they want to see if they can still get me to come. You realize that this is happening more and more lately and part of you becomes sad. We had a conversation early on where you remember I told you that I’ve never thought of myself as a relationship person and you wonder if this is me pulling away. Then you’re not sure if you should feel sad or angry so you push it out of your mind for the time being.
Meanwhile, at home, I’m still in bed. I’m re-reading your last text and going over the same conversation in my head. I realize that I’m not giving you attention you deserve. It’s not that you crave attention or that I don’t like you, maybe I’m even falling pretty hard for you, but that your view of a partner is just that, a partner. You’ve spent the time with me because you enjoy the time we spend together. You want the memories to include me, not have me missing from them. And now I realize that I’ve become that asshole I told you I was without meaning to. Maybe in some way, I subconsciously sabotaged us because, while I try really hard to not hurt other people, I do a very good job of ruining my own life.
You come home and though you are pretty disappointed in me, you don’t really want to pick an argument. So you kiss me and head to bed. You lay down and shed a tear because of the uncertainty of where you think this is going to head. I noticed you were sad but I didn’t say anything. Both of us are now wondering if the past year was worth it or if it’s been a waste somewhere because you thought that the love we’ve shared would change me and I thought that because you understood me, things wouldn’t hurt this much.
Then, I snap back out of my daydream of what I feel what life would be like with you and back to the dinner we’re having on our first date. I look at the light in your eyes and realize, I don’t want to be the one who’s jaded you. I don’t want to be the reason you’re sad. I don’t want to be the reason you feel like a part of your life is a waste. And while all of this might seem selfish to think that I would have that much of an impact as if to say you’re not a strong person, it clicks something in me as we continue our date. I become quiet and visibly distant.
You ask if I’m okay. I am.
You ask if you’ve said something wrong. You didn’t.
You ask if I still want to see the movie. I do.
After the movie, we end the night and we go back to our respective homes alone. I think about texting you to say I had a really good time but you have already texted me. I text back that I did too and I tell you goodnight. Days go by and neither one of us had reached to the other. You haven’t said anything because you remember I am not a relationship person and you question yourself over how much you want to pursue this. I haven’t said anything because, not only am I an asshole but I’m too much of a coward to say anything else to you including of how I felt on our first date.
You look at my, skeptically. “So if you are not only an asshole but now a coward, what gave you the courage to tell me any of this now?”
“These are the feelings that dictate my life. As much as there is a possibility of what I just shared that went through my head, there is an equal, if not a greater, possibility that none of that will happen. But these are the thoughts that dictate my life. Today it was this situation but tomorrow something like this could happen when I am trying to pick out a toilet paper brand. I wasn’t willing to put forth all of this information but as you said, ‘I’d really like to know.’”
I go on to explain that I don’t think it was courage at all that brought me to tell that story. I felt I had no choice. For me, it was either try to explain myself or say something to make you see what kind of asshole I could become, with the possibility of hurting not only you but our mutual friend. Sometimes, against the thought of knowing how much I will regret it, the latter will win out. Today it didn’t.
Do I think relationships in general aren’t for me? Yes.
Do I think situations like this are the reason? No, they just make me more comfortable with my personal views.
Do I think I can change? I think the possibility is there. I just don’t know what or who will come across to actually spark that change.
Does this make me feel like it is hard for me to love me? Every. Single. Day.
The biggest battles I fight are with myself and some of them never seem to end.
