death on the sideline

It was from a movie. As I watched it I knew that her life couldn’t be as bad, but that doesn’t mean that it was any better. I am engrossed with this feeling to pull her out of there and give her the things that my mother can’t. How am I going to do that for her when I can’t even do that for myself? She is one of the happiest little girls you will meet and I am starting to forget what that felt like. When all you wanted to do was have fun because those are the feelings that you like to feel best. I want to know what pure happiness is because I am not worried about the things that bring me down. And who am I to judge? I have no say-so because I have no idea what it is like raising a child on my own. The only thing I have to go on is being treated like that when I was her age. My heart tells me that it’s not right but where does that leave me when I can’t give her the things she needs? Where do I go from here? I can’t even be there for her as much as I want to because I know that in a weird sense in only that I understand, and my sister will too someday, that it will only further her from me. She is going to hate me later. People say she won’t but I know she will. She’ll hate me for making her live that life, knowing that I went through the same thing and did nothing. I know because there was a time when I thought I felt that way. Outsiders can only do so much and it took my will power to stand up and tell her no. God, I don’t want her to have to do that but I know it’s what has to be done. And it’s a death on the sideline for me because no one knows the amount of pain I go through to know exactly how she feels right now, and how she is going to feel. I can feel the answers flowing through my body, but I don’t know how to make things right. I love her and she knows that but where does that leave her? God, where does that leave me?