death on the sideline

It was from a movie. As I watched it I knew that her life couldn’t be as bad, but that doesn’t mean that it was any better. I am engrossed with this feeling to pull her out of there and give her the things that my mother can’t. How am I going to do that for her when I can’t even do that for myself? She is one of the happiest little girls you will meet and I am starting to forget what that felt like. When all you wanted to do was have fun because those are the feelings that you like to feel best. I want to know what pure happiness is because I am not worried about the things that bring me down. And who am I to judge? I have no say-so because I have no idea what it is like raising a child on my own. The only thing I have to go on is being treated like that when I was her age. My heart tells me that it’s not right but where does that leave me when I can’t give her the things she needs? Where do I go from here? I can’t even be there for her as much as I want to because I know that in a weird sense in only that I understand, and my sister will too someday, that it will only further her from me. She is going to hate me later. People say she won’t but I know she will. She’ll hate me for making her live that life, knowing that I went through the same thing and did nothing. I know because there was a time when I thought I felt that way. Outsiders can only do so much and it took my will power to stand up and tell her no. God, I don’t want her to have to do that but I know it’s what has to be done. And it’s a death on the sideline for me because no one knows the amount of pain I go through to know exactly how she feels right now, and how she is going to feel. I can feel the answers flowing through my body, but I don’t know how to make things right. I love her and she knows that but where does that leave her? God, where does that leave me?

Lying to Thyself

Why do people need love?
Is it the heartache
Is it the high
Is it feeling wanted
Is it feeling needed
Why do people want love?
Love brings tears
Love brings pain
Love brings warmth
Love brings soft touches
Why do people seek love?
Do I find joy in rejection
Do you find pleasure in lonely mornings
Do you find excitement
In the long hunt
Tell love to fuck off
So I can enjoy my popcorn
Tell love to back away
So you can watch the films
Of others falling in love
Who in the hell wants to be happy?
Bitching at someone
Breaking up with someone
Crying over someone
Holding someone
Kissing someone
Moving your soul in unison
With someone
Hey you!
Walking in front of me
Do you believe
In a sad story like love
Do you believe
In sickening amounts of affection
Do you believe
In the delusional state
Of having love everlasting
You do?
Then, uh
Do you believe
In love at first sight?

Soggy Ice Cream

I just finished watching a sappy chick film and I cried . . . twice. I was about to watch another one when I remember that I have ice cream softening upstairs, so I pick to watch Hostel 2. I got to thinking as the movie was starting that I told myself I was going to stop looking for love, but I really haven't stopped. I keep asking myself over and over again "Why is it that I have this extreme need to be with someone?" I have yet to answer that question. I cry at the chick movies, I WATCH chick movies, I have my voicemail on a phone dating line, I check gay.com to see if maybe they have decided to give me a free month, I don't know what my problem is but I am needing a break. I feel exhausted and I don't know what the hell to do. Now I am sitting here eating soggy ice cream, watching a gore film, and I'm all alone. I need someone to tell me to stop being a woman and drink more :) just kidding. All right I am done bitching for the night.

Another Day, Another Year

I have started anew with this coming year and have moved across town with a couple new faces. What the move will bring in unknown to me but I am grateful that I did it. This past year I have let down a few, I have helped a few people, I have let down myself, but most important of all, I have grown a little more. It has been an interesting life I have journeyed through so far and I can't wait to see what is to come.

I want to thank the people who have continued to be there for me, talk to me, laugh with me, cry with me, fight with me, and have forgave me for anything I have done to hurt them, for it was never my intentions. I am always grateful for the people I have in my life because they are all important to me and make me who I am. I have always said that I love me and it is because of everyone around me is a part of me. To love in life you have to love life and I love everything about my life.

For this upcoming year I hope to become more in contact with those few in which I have lost contact with. I hope to a better friend as they were once to me. I hope that everyone I know finds peace within themselves as well as around them. I hope that this new year brings more joy than pain, more laughter than tears, more love than hate, and more life than death. Lastly, I hope that Hope finds hope, for when Hope is without hope how the hell is anyone to hope for anything when Hope can't even find hope. There, I have said it so many times that it sounds weird. Thanks again everyone, I love you all . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .hope

Empty Promises

For so long
It was me helping you
For so long
You were the child
You brought pain
You brought tears
You brought many days
Of empty promises
I grew and grew
I out-grew you
It's hard to see
A little you in me
Time has passed
Things have changed
You have aged
But you're still the same
There is someone new
In our lives
Another little one
To start anew with
But yet again
You prove the same
And I'm still left
with pain
tears
and empty promises