11.18.2019

Another Home

The light hits the window but does not enter
As though to say, “You are not welcome.”
The room not quite dark
Not quite cold
There is no home here
The walls hold no memories
The table bears no love
The hard encasing provides cover
But this is no shelter
Life once lived here
But the echoes of what once was
Reverberate no longer
Still it stands
To touch the walls beckons no ghosts
Yet you look around still
What was lost here
Never existed here
What was housed here
Never lived here
This place was never a home
But an empty shell
It was never meant for you
For the life you lived
The love you felt
The comfort you had
Resided in a place you never thought to look
You never lived here
You never grew here
You never learned here
You did not find strength here
You did not know love here
But yet you had all of these things
Your life was in abundance
Of the good heartache
Of the rightful challenges
Of the happy tears
And the overwhelming love
You found life
And life found you
It’s been there all along
In another home
No

Not another
Your forever home
It’ll be there
Waiting
And one day
You’ll be ready
You will

Be ready

10.11.2019

Haunted

You didn’t notice me die
You held me up
You patted your back
You drowned in sorrow
And let the snow fall
But you didn’t notice me lifeless
You didn’t notice I was broken
I spiraled
Into a demented reality
I slept away my desire
I hid my pain in laughter
I let the night embrace me as her own
I reached out
But never found you
Ghostly words
Invisible promises
They took your place
How do you repair that?
How do you move forward
When all you see is dirt
From the pit you’ve been tossed into?
How do you climb to the top
With no tools to build it
How do you find the light
When you don’t even realize you can’t see
How do I piece together
What you ripped apart
Before I knew what I looked like
Before I knew who I was
When all I’ve known
Is what I see
In the shards of mirror on the floor
Your words still haunt me
Your promises still linger
I’m ready to leave
The empty house
You never built 

10.07.2019

Honesty Honestly

Looking for him
Not looking for you
Thanks for the reply
Thanks for your honesty
Was I being honest to you?
Was I being honest to me?
If I wasn’t being honest
Would you actually know?
If I wasn’t sure of myself
If I wanted to try something out for myself
Would I then be dishonest?
Would I then be a game player?
If I don’t know
How do I grow to know?
You tell me
I’m not your type
But then you tell me
You are looking for more
How can you look for more
When your one layer in?
When your expectations are sheet thin?
It’s like you look for me
But only when I am not in front of you
You only see me
When I am turning the other way
You only hear me
When I exhale
In the ear of another
Who are you looking for?
How would you know when you find him?
Thanks for being honest
While you’re looking for him

I won’t be looking for you

10.01.2019

Line of Sight

It matters
When I was already in battle with who I was
When I already doubted who I was supposed to me
When I fell and was told I would never get up
When I was talked over
Looked passed
Slapped
Kicked
Worthless
Disgusting
When I was fat
When I was lazy
When I was shameful
When I saw what they saw
It should’ve mattered
When I walked alone
No hand holding
No good morning smile
No good night kisses
No one to tuck me in
No one hold me
No one to love me
No one to tell me it would all be okay
It should have mattered
In the days when I couldn’t walk
When I couldn’t open my eyes
When I didn’t want to
When I would make myself sleep
When I kept myself in darkness
When there was nothing but darkness
In the days when I fought my own self
To save my own life
It should
Have
Mattered
It did matter
It still matters
I see you
Do you see me?
It still matters

I still matter

8.01.2019

Reverberate

The taste of you
Still lingers on my tongue
The wind from your lips
Still echoes in my ear
Your fingertips
Imprinted on my collar bone
Your heartbeat
Still fluttering on my thigh
The thought comes back to me
A raw emotion
A shameless presence
Tangled fingers
Hair tussled
A clawed arm
My breath at a standstill
My body motionless
I shiver
And breathe again
As the water begins
To stream across my skin
And your memory begins to fade
I inhale you into my lungs
A final embrace

7.29.2019

Lie Still

The ground feels colder today
The ice around my eyes
Built a little higher
I can still wiggle my fingers
I can still see the faint fog of breath
That escapes my lips periodically
The bruise is starting to show
From my most recent fall
The blood from the last one
Has not yet even hardened
I didn’t reach out this time
Didn’t call out
I just gave in
I embraced the cement below me
For it knows me well
But it does not greet me as it did before
It lies still
Anticipating my arrival
Predicting it
I do not try to get up today
I don’t even look around
I settle in to my family shape
I prepare quiet emptiness
That had already began to creep in
No light
No warmth
Just me
And my cold concrete pit

7.15.2019

Noise

It starts as a rumble
It’s hardly noticeable
A tingle in your ear
A whisper
You turn 
Try to walk away
It catches you
You can’t tell what it is
Or where it is coming from
But it’s there
You know it
You’re not crazy
There
Right there
You hear better it now
But you’re still unsure
You pull someone aside
Yeah
They hear it too
But they shrug
Then they turn
They walk away
You try to ignore it 
But it rings in your ears
It’s there
Constant
Following you
Pulling at you
Distracting you
You grab someone else
They say it isn’t loud
It’s been there the whole time
Just deal with it
You grab someone else
Can’t be bothered
You grab someone else
It’s not noise
It’s music
Let the music play
You grab someone else
Nothing
Then another
Nothing
Another
Not a damn thing
You reach out
The noise grows louder
Until it is coming at you 
From all sides
It’s everywhere
Nothing but noise
It’s all you hear
It’s coming from the walls
From the street corner
From the chair I sit on
From the clothes I wear
From everything
From everyone
From the mouths of the entire world
From your entire world
It’s so loud
So loud
I didn’t notice myself shrinking
Every passing second
It grew louder
I grew smaller
I closed my eyes
Waiting for it to stop
It has to stop
It needs to stop
Then
I opened my eyes
But nothing
Just nothing
I saw nothing
I heard nothing
I was nothing
I became
The nothing

4.13.2019

From Where We Came

We begin so blindly
Following whatever hand
That leads us
The more we see
The faster darkness
Chases us
We put on the masks
Handed down to us
We care for them
As if they are our skin
As we wade in the river
We wonder
How far will it carry us
Knowing nothing
Of the dangers ahead
We breathe
As we are told to breathe
We live
As we were taught live
But the world
With all its glory
Begs us to experience it
To love
As much as we are capable to love
We breathe in
As life requires
And we breathe out
Just the same
We are still so blind
To what lies ahead
The ones we flow with
Are lost in an instant
We carry them
Until our own current becomes weak
We carry on
Until all that is left
Is what we leave
To carry on for us
All the pain
All the sorrow
Compares little
To the joy
The joy we breathe
The joy we live
The joy
Of the love we pass down
In that

We are immortal

3.24.2019

Digital Canvas

I’ve stared at this wall for hours
It hasn’t changed
It hasn’t moved
It hasn’t given me anything either
The Void of this wall is deafening
I keep looking at this wall
Hoping that it will provide
Another hour has gone by
And nothing
I try projecting an image
Something to conjure up
Any sort of inspiration
But this wall is still blank
This wall is silent
The silence hurts my ears
And sinks my heart
Is this wall the end?
Is this wall a road block?
Will this wall crush me?
As it sits there
I am compelled to do the same
As my hatred builds for this wall
The louder it calls for my attention
I want to break through this wall
But I have no tools
I want to make this wall disappear
But I am no magician
I want someone to take this wall away
But I am alone
As alone as I am
The wall is my company
It is both everyone
And yet it is no one
It is not my friend
But it is my companion
Why won’t this wall go away?
Can I go around it?
The wall is too wide
There doesn’t seem to be an end
Can I go over it?
The wall is too high
I look up
It’s then that I notice
It’s then that I ask
Is this a wall?
I look left
The wall is there
I look behind
The wall is there
There are no corners
There is nothing above me
But the wall
The wall is everywhere
The Void and the wall
Are one and the same
I begin running
Searching for anything other than this wall
Nothing
I don’t reach a beginning
I don’t reach an end
A door
Another wall
Another person
Just the Void
The never ending Void
I scream
No sound
Just as I start to give up
I see something 
I walk towards it
It’s not moving
But I start to recognize what it is
No
It’s not moving
But it is blinking
On
Off
On
Off
Waiting
Waiting for me
Waiting for me to give it life
To give it meaning
Then
Without warning

It hits me

3.17.2019

A Confession

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I have these feelings. I have these dilemmas but there is nothing telling me what is right or wrong. I’m just living the life I know to live. I’m not perfect or know what the next step is. Just trying to live my life to the best of my abilities. 

3.16.2019

Cologne, Alcohol, Weed

The first hits me with euphoria
I don’t know where it came from
But I want more
The second fills me with a high
Sending me into a state of arousal
The third transports me
To a familiar place
I can feel the grass under my feet
A finger tracing my neck
The teeth
Carving my jaw
I can see lights all around me
Filling the night sky
I can hear the vibrations
Cruising the surrounding crowd
Movements in unison
Dozens of exploring hands
The taste of your tongue
As sweet as pineapple
Letting go
In a sea of souls
Perspiration
Lubricates our writhing bodies
A touch of air
Permeates our skin
Washing the sins of the night
The connection never broken
The night never ending
The love
Lasting though the ages
I breathe out
Releasing the last of my inhibitions
I breathe in
To begin the sensual journey 

Yet again