Friday, December 7, 2018
I was told, by a coworker, that I needed to write down my thoughts so they could stop clouding my head. It’s funny, I’ve known all along that I needed to do this but it took someone else to tell me to do it in order for me to actually do it. Not that I don't write down my thoughts but, as you can see here, I try to do it in a different way. Even when I was a kid, I knew that I was someone who needed to write to get things off my shoulders and onto something I new that would be able to handle it better. However, I was trying to force these thoughts into a medium instead of letting me thoughts guide me into a medium that they should be placed in.
Recently, I haven’t been getting much sleep (at least more than usual) and it has been affecting every aspect of my life. I am making poorer decisions, I am getting angrier than I normally do, and my judgement has been severely cloudy. I have been chalking ‘not sleeping’ up to the pain in my shoulder progressively get worse (which we will get to in a minute). No, I think… I know the problem is all in my head. Not in the sense that I am making it up but in the sense that, I can’t shut off the thinking part of my brain. Sound odd/off? Think of it this way, most people constantly have thoughts running through their brain. However, in my brain, my thoughts sort of run like this:
“I wonder if I feel shaky because of my blood sugar? My doctor did say it was low.”
“Does low blood sugar mean hypoglycemia?”
“Who came up with the word hypoglycemia?”
“I wonder if there is a makeup brand has a true blood red color?”
“Wasn’t there someone who had a color called ‘Blood Sugar’?
“I can’t help but think of those platelets everyone uses in the animation. I know blood has platelets but I know they don’t look exactly like that.”
“Platelets is funny.”
“I should look up that up that comedy show from Bill Burr.”
And these are just a few on the thoughts that stem from one thought or question. Another thing is, these thoughts don’t happen sequentially like they are written. They are happening all at the same time. It’s like my brain is seeing and hearing a hundred thousand tv screens and it is having a hard time focusing on one. Now, this doesn’t happen on a constant basis, but it does happen several times a day and it can be extremely distracting. Where this does happen often is at night, just as I am laying down for bed. For me, sleeping can sometimes clear my mind and when my mind feels as though it could be clearing up, it plugs in more tv’s and turns the volume up.
What I really feel that has been bothering is how I am living in the world surrounding me. While I think a lack of sleep has played its part in how I have been reacting to people and events, I feel like I my persona is changing yet again. I don’t think that is changing in a way that I comfortable with. I am reacting more and analyzing less, or I am only giving something a thoughtful review after I have reacted to it, either positively or negatively. That is now how I want to represent myself. I feel like that is how the world, as a whole, has been dealing with things lately and, for myself, I am not okay with it.
Recently, there have been a few events in my life that are definitely playing factors as well. Some personal… some work related. I haven’t felt like I have really had a chance to sort through them. Just when I think I might have the thought space (or even the physical space) to do that in, I get caught up in the next thing. Then the next. Then the next.
I feel like my brain is in back-load mode with no sight as to when things get dealt with.
Then there is my daily distractions that I have as well. So, because of the thought process I mentioned earlier, there are many times in the day where one of those thoughts comes across clear enough that it either reminds me to look up something that I had forgotten about earlier or I need to find out what something means so that I can process my thoughts a bit more clearly (self chuckle was inserted here). Does it stop there? NO.
When I feel like I finally remember something, everything that I was supposed to remember to do, to eat, to read… (so on and so forth) comes flooding back as well. Here come the hundred thousand tv’s again. This time, though, it isn’t just a feeling of being overwhelmed that hits me but also sadness. Sadness that I forgot I felt sad. Sadness that I forgot something important. Sadness that I am feeling overwhelmed. Sadness for the things that made me sad before but are now making me sad again.
Some days, this just never seems to end. This is on top of the financial hardships and health issues I have been having. It’s enough to sometimes lead me to yell at myself,
“FUCK! This is exhausting!”
I get angry. I forget things. I get sad. I feel gross. I get lazy. I get tired.
And in the back of my head, I feel like I can hear the words of some people.
“That’s life.”
“We all feel that way.”
“Welcome to adulthood.”
“You can’t cry to someone every time something goes wrong.”
“Are you going to do something about it or just whine?”
“Fine, feel that way. We don’t have to hear about it, though.”
You know what I say to that? Fuck you.
Don’t get me wrong. It would be extremely hypocritical for me to say that as though I haven’t been one of those people to utter any of those words to others at point in my life. However, I fully capable of admitting that I have gotten it wrong in the past. It was undoubtedly easy for me to say that knowing that I wasn’t in their shoes, going through the things they are currently going through. It was easy, until it wasn’t easy. At this point, if you are angry or annoyed by anything that I am saying… why are you still reading?
I am not here looking for sympathy. I am not here looking for someone to solve my problems because I don’t want to. I am not ‘talking’ to you because I think I am the only one with these problems and you should be here only listening to me.
I am talking about it because a lot of people don’t. I am talking about it to feel less alone. I am talking about it because I feel like that’s what you’re supposed to do. I am putting it on this platform because it is what I feel is necessary for my own mental health. I am doing this because, once again, I find myself needing to ‘take care of business’.
I write to release. I write to gain clarity. I talk when I need help. I reach out when can’t be alone.
While at times I tend to push myself a little too far, I know my limits. I am so lucky that I recognize the outlets I need to take to help me when I am feeling whatever I may be feeling. I am grateful that I have people that I can reach out to when sitting in my own thoughts is proving to be too much.
I know there are people out there who feel exactly as I do. And though I know when I am being overwhelmed or when I just can’t handle things, others don’t. I can’t sit here and pretend that I know what someone else has gone through simply because I have gone through it. No, I can’t do that because I can only answer how I feel going through it. What works for me doesn’t work for everyone. What works for me absolutely cannot work for everyone. And there is no way in hell I am going to let someone dictate how I should feel because ‘they know’.
If you are still reading this, thank you for letting me vent to you. Thank you for making me feel less alone. Thank you for being my shoulder even though I am not physically right next to you. You may know ever know how much, but you have just made my heart a little less heavy. I am okay and I know I will be okay.
Thank you.
If you or someone you know is suffering and don’t know where to turn to, please see the resources below for help.
Veterans Crisis: 1-800-273-8255 (Press 1)
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration: 1-800-662-4357
The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
