From The Mind of Mikel

Cry to the Night

2012-01-26T01:13:00.001-07:00

My eyes sparkle in the sun
My laugh dances in the wind
My smile is infectious
My stride, confident
I'm on top of the world
Life is a dream
But then comes the nightmare
Then come the tears
I cry to the night
My world is upside down
The light of the moon
Uncovers the truth
I cry to the night
My thoughts swirl
My fears collide
My screams are silenced
There is no one here
No one to hold me
No one to save me
I cry to the night
A moment of stillness
Before I fall into the darkness
I see nothing
But there are screams in the distance
Screams of sorrow
Screams of pain
Screams from the world
That are silenced by sunrise
I cry to the night
I cry for someone
I cry or anyone
I cry for help
I cry for an existence
That will never come
By day, life is in the air
A life I love
I'm not sad
I'm not afraid
I'm not alone
Life is a dream
But the nightmare lingers
For the night is bound to come
I cry to the night

The Life We Live

2011-12-18T03:24:00.001-07:00

It's been almost eight years
Yet
I come back here
And it's staring me down
I still smell
The food that was cooked on that stove
I still feel the carpet beneath my feet
Separating meds
Giving shots
And the smell of the air
While I take out the trash
The feel of the cold concrete
While I sit outside to think
How young was I
The burn of the tobacco
The feeling of the end
It's not easy
Eight years later
And I feel the familiar feeling
It's not a question if I've moved on
It's history repeating itself
It's loss all over again
We move on
But at what cost
Life
Is never ending

Gone

2011-11-14T02:13:00.001-07:00

I woke that morning
To find you gone
I thought I had lost you before
But today I knew it was forever
I didn't cry
I didn't break down
But most importantly
I didn't die
I smelled the cold crisp air
Coming in the bedroom window
It was different today
It was better today
I let it fill my head
It gave me a high
One I had never known
The steps I take today
Are with my head held high
My coffee will be warmer
My walk will be straighter
And everywhere I go
Will be a new adventure
And though my days will be brighter
It comes at a price
One that I fight pay
Every time it come around
Though my day will go so well
It's the nights
The nights I will feel more deeply
My sweater becomes colder
My steps so much slower
And my tears
My tears are so much heavier
I delve
And I delve deep
For to see the sun shine
I must fight through the night
I will fight every night
To feel the warm sun
Once again
Shine upon me

Long Lost

2011-11-03T00:24:00.001-06:00

I look and find nothing
But I look again
The same crazy notion
That runs through my head
Gets me looking
Over and over again
I never find it
It's never there
Yet I look
And feel nothing

To Lose

2011-09-29T21:10:00.000-06:00

I heard it in the distance
A low rumble from afar
I felt the earth shake below me
Steadily getting stronger
In an instant a hundred miles had passed
And there it was at my door step
The power of a thousand horses beat my heart
A tidal wave of wind sent me backwards
The weight of the world pushed me down
In no time at all I was at me knees
The mountains crashed down
The sun became black
The world vanished before my eyes
I was left in a vast desert of nothing
Frozen in sorrow I almost died
So easily I found myself lost
But in the darkness there was a light
And in the distance
A single horse came my way
And I began to rise to me feet

Broken

2011-08-12T19:16:00.001-06:00

How can I tell you not to hurt
How can I tell you not to care
You've been a hero for too many
For so long
Who knew you were so fragile
The strongest one I know
Is now at her knees
Asking why
What can I say
The whole world needs you
It's time for you to need us
The whole world loves you
It's time to love yourself
The hurt won't last forever
But your courage
Will echo through the years
Wipe your tears my warrior
Rise to see the sun shining once again

Mirror of Life

2011-08-06T00:41:00.001-06:00

I've been lain here
Left to die
With no love
Or light
To call my own
My fingers dry
And cracked
Digging into the earth
Trying to rise again
My lips dry
And bleeding
Trying to breathe
Just one more breath
The sun
Pushing down my fragile body
It's suddenly blocked
A cold wet liquid
Pours on my body
Reaches my mouth
The waters overflow
I'd nearly forgotten how to swallow
I peel open my eyes
To see you over me
Your tears hit
My open palms
I ask why you're crying
You tell me you left me
You left me to die
As I look closer
I see your face even clearer
Only to realize
That you and I
Are one in the same

Nearly Lost

2011-07-24T23:09:00.002-06:00

She looks at the sun
Coming through the shreds of leaves
He drinks in all
The Tree has to offer
But forgets
She abandoned it long ago
For when he looks down
He sees what is lost
She runs her hand
Along the cold, dry base
But his finger is cut
By a blackened thorn
Beauty and color
Once lived here
Now only gray covers it all
And Death grips his withered hands
The now weakened roots
She is blind
To the needs of the Tree
For all he must do
Is surround it with love
And a dying soul
Will flourish once more

Rainy Nights

2011-07-15T23:21:00.000-06:00

As I listen to it fall
I feel my heart moving inside me
The cool wind it leaves across my face
It relaxes me
Nothing else
Just me and the soothing rain
With no light on but a dimmed street lamp
I lean back to let the water hit my face
I forget about the world
I let everything slip away
I let myself be
Underneath the night
And the cool, smooth rain

I'll live my life

2011-07-04T23:45:00.002-06:00

When my faith in you dwindles
I'll live my life
When your words linger then fall
I'll live my life
When you no longer see in my direction
I'll live my life
When I'm empowered by the pain
I'll live my life
When your clouds that surround me blow away
I'll live my life
When it's no longer about you
I'll live my life
When trust falls through your hands
I'll live my life
And as you just stand in the crowd
I'll live my life

To See A World

2011-06-23T23:16:00.000-06:00

Tall tales in a world of happiness
Tall tales in a world of sorrow
One can't see past the other
One can only see the lies
There's light in the darkness
Night shines through the day
When one world shifts to the other
The sun rises in the other direction
True tales in a world of happiness
True tales in a world of sorrow

Your Own Life

2011-05-19T01:46:00.002-06:00

I live
I breathe
I eat
I sleep
I hurt
I bleed
I feel
I fall
Just like everyone else
I live my own life
Just like everyone else
I believe in what I choose to believe
Just like everyone else
I fall in love just like everyone else
I don't bother anyone
I don't hurt anyone
I don't get angry at anyone I don't know
Mainly cause I don't know them enough to care
Yet I find it amazing that I don't care
What you think or
How you choose to live your life
But you judge me and
Try to stop me living mine
So who's life are you really living
Mine
Or Yours

Our Curse

2011-04-11T20:51:00.002-06:00

When should our wishing hearts
Wake from this eternal slumber
When should our eyes open
To see the world in rolling thunder
Save the knight and return today
For our souls are filled with hunger
Could it be that we're too blind
To see that time begins to unwind
We count the days until we find
Our hearts still beat
but our lives are here no longer

Lost Soldier

2011-02-09T00:35:00.002-07:00

Lost Soldier
You've got nothing to fear
You're safe here in my arms
Tonight
I'll be your protector
I'll be your shelter
In the night
Lost Soldier
Be still now
Be ever so still
Hear your heart beat with mine
Let your love be mine
Lost Soldier
I'll be your longing comfort
I'll hold you in my arms
I'll hold you oh so tightly
I'll hold you oh so tightly
I'll hold you oh so tightly love
My Lost Soldier
Be still in my arms tonight

Journal Entry 1-4-2011

2011-01-04T00:22:00.002-07:00

It’s interesting. People go by every year making New Year’s Resolutions that we don’t follow. We promise ourselves we are going to do everything in our power that this is the year that we will change. For the first few months, it works. Everyone goes about doing what we can to keep that promise. Maybe it is a diet, a desired career path, a new look with a new wardrobe, or maybe it was to fall in love. The truth about those resolutions, those promises, is they never work. The easiest person to lie to is ourselves, we are also the easiest person to let down. Too many times we break our own promises because in the end we knew we would be the person we were hurting. I hardly ever keep a promise to myself and still I get so saddened after time has gone by only to realise that I didn’t change they way I wanted, I didn’t do the things I was trying to set out to do. And it isn’t like I got lost or saw a better opportunity, I simply didn’t do anything to change, to keep that promise. Sometimes, though, when I’ve promised myself something and I’ve forgotten what it was, somehow it seems to find it’s way back to me only it jolts my life so harshly that not only did it change me but it changed everything around me. Sometimes it’s for the better and sometimes not but either way it doesn’t always seem to turn out for the better for the people I love. It seems like someone always gets hurt. I didn’t make a promise this year. I’ve set some goals with no dates on them. I didn’t say “This is the year for that change!” as I have said in the past. So many times I try to find an answer to some problem I’ve conjured up that I forget that the best thing to do is just live. Sometimes I forget that I am already the person I want to be and that I need to take my time to just live it out. And who knows, maybe the answer I was looking for was trying to find me all along, I was just to busy with my head to the ground to notice.

The Path

2011-01-03T00:06:00.005-07:00

She passes the path again
She is comforted in what waits for her
But she is scared to go to it
It calls to her
She yearns for it
Yet something stops her

His heart is broken again
He can’t take it anymore
He’s back at the path
He turns away
But he looks back
He wants it
But is stopped once again

She’s knocked to the ground
She is bruised and bloody
She’s at the path again
It is so inviting
It’s kind and gentle
She needs it
She turns away
But she looks back
She cries for it
But is stopped once again

He is hanging
His last breath is near
He is battered
He is broken
He won’t last much longer
His tears burn as they run down his face
The path is there once more
It calls to save him
It reaches to help him
There is light on the path
He fights to escape the oncoming darkness
But again he turns away
He looks back
But is stopped once again

She feels a hand
The darkness has all but consumed her
She opens her eyes
She is no longer at the tree
She is no longer alone
She has been brought to the the path
There are no more bruises
No more tears
And she is not alone
She doesn’t turn away
But steps onto the path
The darkness calls to her
But she doesn’t look back
There is nothing in her way
There is nothing stopping her

Life

2010-11-09T01:26:00.001-07:00

it’s what calls us to
it’s what we suddenly see in the light
it’s what we can cherish for generations to come
it’s what we breathe
it’s what we eat
it’s what is always there, wanted or not
it’s what deceives us
it’s what makes us cry
it hits us hard when we least expect it
it’s what picks us up after we’ve fallen
it will turn on you
it will make you smile
if it doesn’t kill you
it will make you stronger
it will make you smarter
it will make you happier
it will give you the will to go on
see it
love it
live it
it’s your life

I'm here

2010-07-11T03:05:00.005-06:00

It's one night
First of many
It's sweet
Simple
And satisfactory
I felt it's presence again
Just me and my love
People hustle around me
Around us
The loud sounds
Sooth my yearning ears
It's what I do
It's what we do
Me
And my city

Call to the Siren

2010-06-05T22:18:00.001-06:00

Sing to me

Pull at my soul

End my misery

Drift me to you

These tears fall

But disappear

Into the night air

Bring me to my knees

Drown this pain

With your sweet

Intoxicating

Vocalic daggers

I search for you

Draw me out

Of my constant nightmare

Invite me to

My hooded savior

He’s gone from me

Taken from these hands

He was meant to stay

Stay with me

I long to hear your voices

Long to see him again

Send me home

Send me to that lasting place

Hold me

Hold on

Till forever fades away

Send me to him

This world is all but gray

Sing to me

Sing till I can’t turn away

Sing till me face

Shows no emotion

Break me open

Let your words

Pour me dry

Till all that’s left of me

Lies with him

Present

2010-05-20T03:13:00.003-06:00

If only today
We lived
Just for a moment
If only yesterday
We took
That opportunity
If only tomorrow
We saw
That it never really comes
If only now
We grabbed
Our shining star
If only then
We sought
Our only chance
If only further
We could see
Our coming danger
But it is not
The past
Nor is it
The future
That we hold in our hands
It is
This very minute
Embrace it

In This World

2010-05-20T02:57:00.003-06:00

Beautiful
Is the wisdom
That washes over me
Like the summer sun
She walked with me
Down the narrow path
And we are not afaid
I am her protector
But she is the one
Who watches over me
I keep beating
She keeps believing
Tears will fall
Hearts will be broken
But we are not afraid
With her at my side
The world makes sense
With me at her side
I make sense
Hand in hand
We will conquer the world
Soul in soul
We will conquer
Our lives
And through the horrors
Of this world
We will never be afraid

Force of Life

2010-05-11T23:57:00.004-06:00

It's one big world
It's in their nature
People tear me down
It's in my nature
I'll be on my feet again
I've been under before
But my dreams keep me afloat
I keep myself going
I keep myself breathing
I've been broken
But I've been fixed
It's just me
Me is all I have to be
I'm still here
It's my life
I'll keep on fighting
Because I have to
Nothing
No one
Will stop me from
What I can do
It's just me
Me is all I have to be
Though sometimes lonely
I'm never alone
Though sometimes weak
I never lose strength
Though sometimes hopeless
I neve give up hope
Sometimes scared
I'm fearless
Sometimes hurt
I'm unbreakable
Sometimes loveless
I'm surrounded by it
Sometimes lifeless
I LIVE
I'M ALIVE
I'm still here
It's my life
I'll keep on fighting
Because I have to
Nothing
No one
Will stop me from
What I can do
What I can be
It's just me
Me is all I can be

My Own Personal Evil

2010-05-09T21:41:00.005-06:00

A drug I don't need
A feeling I don't have
A word to remain unspoken
A world upside down
Another bridge burned
A heaven I can't see
A hell I don't want
A word to remain unspoken
A state untouched
A work of art ruined
A soul unsaved
A soul lost
A family separated
A family united
A word to remain unspoken
A prize not recieved
A reward undeserved
A love thrown away
A love given up
A smile broken
A heart torn
A life
A life
An unspoken word
Gone
A story ended
Like so many others
With an unspoken word

To Feel What Isn't There

2010-05-04T01:07:00.005-06:00

I saw you again
this morning
I basked in your essence
then
just as I do every morning
I throw you away
I remind myself
I don't need you
I don't care for you
like you care for me
you need me to exist
but you must ask yourself
if you are with me
are you really yourself?
You hurt me
you make me hurt myself
I ache only when
you are around
yet
on most nights
I find myself in your arms
will I ever be free of you?
Or will I find someway
to have you near me
once more?
I can't stand you
but some days I feel
I need you
I feel your breath
on my neck
when people
are around
I wash you off
in my morning shower
yet
in the cool breeze
of the afternoon rain
you are standing
in front of me
waiting for me
please lose memory of me
I would very much like
to do the same of you

Reclaim

2010-05-04T00:57:00.004-06:00

Why do you insist
on taking yourself
away from me
it's a daily struggle
to get you in my hands
yet as quickly
as I have you
you are gone
the days I don't see you
seem so long
I become so fragile
there are times
when
it gets so hard
I don't see myself
going any further
but through
the grace of God
I find myself
reaching for you
yet again
time after time
I'm reminded
just how harsh
and cold
you can be
it's then that
I ask myself
Are you worth it?
Yes
yes is my answer
because in the end
if no one else thinks so
I need to remind myself
yes
I am worh it

Decision making

2010-04-16T00:50:00.002-06:00

It's towards the end of my night and I'm mulling over some major issues I hadn't even expected being faced with earlier today. Due to my binds to secrecy I dare not even touch at hints to what it is but rest assure I need to take on esome serious thought.

Anyhow, it wasn't my inability to come to a conclusion to write today. No, it was actually watching a certain movie in which a blogger was blogging about something she loves to do. It reminded me of what I love to do. I love to write. Which is what also is bugging the crap out of me. My computer isn't working up to par. What can I say? It's a PC. I was nearly devastated at the thought of losing my book but I think that if left alone and in the hands of the right person it can be saved. I feel hopeful.

With my computer on the fritz and my itch for writing getting stronger, I turned to my old friend. I picked up once again a pen and a paper. Though that was feeding my hunger for writing it wasn't getting put through the process of getting onto my blog which at one point I had fully comitted to. And then guess what I remembered! I HAD AN IPHONE!!! One of the worlds most greatest inventions! It made me realize that I need to get in better touch with it, which for me I thought I already was. Thats when decided to write tonight.

Truth be told there was so much more that I wanted to write tonight but guess what, it's time for bed. Good night all, anyone.

Entry 1

2010-03-01T23:45:00.002-07:00

I decided that rather than just doing my writings, I would enter a journal entry. Since, by definition, a blog is supposed to have regular entries. So here it goes:

I used to pride myself on the happy person I was. I am such a strong believer that if one wants to be a happier person, than they should just be one. I believe that everyone holds on to whatever it is that makes them un-happy and they just need to let it go. Is it that simple? In some cases yes, but I also find that it is not a case of simplicity.

Take myself, for instance. As I said before I used to take pride of my state of happiness but lately I haven’t been so happy. I have begun to let in feelings that I would normally never get to me. One feeling, in particular, is anger. I put the blame on a lot of things but I can’t honestly say that my blame is in the correct slot. I’ve blamed sexual frustration, family frustration, financial frustration, but in my experience, these have always been there and I have dealt with them with the mentality that they will always exist. I have never let these normal day to day frustrations get to me in such a way. So what exactly is the source for all this anger and frustration? I can’t say for sure. One thing that I am sure is that I need to take some time to myself and figure it out before I begin getting myself into some un-necessary trouble.

Normally, in the past, whenever I would feel this way I would channel all my energy into writing. I still do, however, lately I haven’t had the urge to channel these emotions into my writing. Instead, I have been trying to find other emotions for my fuel. It hasn’t been easy. So, instead of finding a healthier way to write I have found myself even more frustrated for both not channeling my emotions correctly and worse, letting it affect my writing in the complete opposite direction than intended.

After all these emotions going in all sorts of directions, I yet to actually place these bad emotions in the right place in such a way it is starting to affect my friendships. I have started to anger quickly and in most situations I may have been the one to blame in the first place. I have started to tangle myself in a web of gossip, lies, and distrust. Though it isn’t a big web now, if I don’t do something soon to stop it, it will only get worse. I have begun to strive for news in other’s lives and forget that the one life I need to focus on is my own. I have actually come to despise the actions of some, which I will admit I have always done, but instead of letting it go, I have held on to these emotions. I sometimes share these feelings with my friends but when I get caught back in these emotions I only create a bigger hypocrite than I think myself to be.

I wonder now as I am typing if it is all this that is angering me. I have started to lose the values and beliefs I clung to so tightly. Not only that, but I have started to fall into a pit of the very thing I used to be disgusted with. I find myself at a crossroads. A crossroad like this used to be easy for me but I have found myself standing at this very one for a lengthy amount of time. I have distracted myself at making a decision with other things that I really don’t need in my life. Why is it so hard to for me to move on from here?

I have had people throw everything at from age to twenty-four years of bottled emotions. I don’t feel like any reason I have heard from anyone is the right one for me. Yet, I can’t seem to find my own explanation to any of the questions I have in my head right now. The last time I was in this predicament I ran to get away from all the noise to find clarity in the quiet. I don’t think I can do that now. I found myself alone in the quiet and I realized that I needed the noise for comfort. Maybe what I need now is to find that middle ground. Distance myself from the noise but keep it within reach.

Well as always, I need to take in to account everything I have just discussed with ...myself and re-evaluate everything and hope that the answer works its way in there. I think I may have an answer but instead of making an impulse decision, I need to marinate on the idea first.

then, now, and what could be

2010-02-25T01:11:00.001-07:00

The sound of rain and thunder
Coming from my speakers
The perfect song playing
And you’re running through my mind
I mutter your names ever so slightly
Not sure if I really want to hear them
Out loud anyway
I turn to my right
As though to look at you
As you’re reading over my shoulder
But to no surprise
You’re not there
Having the movie just ended
I am reminded of your fingers
Following the pattern in my hand
Or maybe trying to find your way through the maze
And not even I could gather the courage
To show the way to myself
To get close is to get the farthest away from me
Where does that get me?
But farther away from you
You who I either don’t know at all
Or I knew you all to well
Knowing or not knowing
I yearn for you still
It’s funny
I don’t see you in my presence
Yet I feel all around me
I feel your touch
I hear your breath
And I wonder if you will every show your face to me
I thought maybe I heard your footsteps
The other day
I thought you were right behind me
But the steps weren’t for me at all
But for a perfect stranger
Were they for me at all?
Will they ever be for me?
Is that what you are now?
A stranger
A perfect stranger
The perfect stranger
I wait
I wonder
I wait for an answer
I wonder if I had let it go
I glance to my right one last time
Only to find you in the same place
Not there at all
Then
Now
What could be
Where does that leave me?

Save Me

2009-12-14T23:32:00.003-07:00

Taped up window on my left
Broken wiper on my right
Roaming around this land
Waiting on someone to save me
Underneath the blankets of sky
Looking at a million sparkling eyes
I wait on you to save me
I know it’s you who saves me
It’s this world inside my head
It’s a roller coaster ride with no end
It goes up and down and off the track
But I’ll hold on tight or break my back
If you’ll come and save me
I know it’s you who saves me
I’m on the edge of the highest mountain
I’m falling to the lowest depths of the sea
I’m spinning around
Confused on where to go
It’s a mad, mad place
But just to see your face
When you came to save me
You risked life and death
But you came and saved me
Taped up window on my left
Broken wiper on my right
Roaming around this land
Waiting on someone to save me

Shelter

2009-09-16T01:04:00.001-06:00

It’s not what you say
But how you say it
It’s not how you say it
But how you feel it
It’s not how you feel it
But how you show it
It’s not how you show it
But how you see it
It’s how you see me
It’s how you make me feel
To make me say
What I want to show you
That even at its ugliest times
This world can be beautiful
But it’s only beautiful
When it’s you protecting me
Holding me
Loving me
Sheltering me
For it is you
Who is always there
To be
My Shelter

Lullaby Island

2009-09-07T15:45:00.001-06:00

Come whisk me away
To the Island today
To the place called Lullaby Island

Cloud mountains so high
Sweet dreams by and by
Far away at Lullaby Island

I'd like to stay
Where the Moon and Stars play
At the place called Lullaby Island

Now it's off we go
Soft Blankets in tow
To the land of Lullaby Island

My Way Home

2009-09-02T01:49:00.005-06:00

It was morning
When you let it all go
It was morning when
You found your way home
There were no goodbye's
No more hello's
But it was morning when
You found your way home
I never wanted
To let you go
I couldn't take the pain
That scarred my soul
I wanted
To hold your hand
Stand by your side
There was nothing
To hold back my tears
That morning when
You found your way home
Now I now that
When the sun shines
And the morning rays
Are upon my eyes
It is you waiting for me
Waiting for me
Waiting for me
When the day comes
When I find my way home

The Darkness of Water

2009-05-04T23:39:00.002-06:00

It was just another night. I readied myself for a shower. The hot water was going to feel good for today had been a long day. With my clothes on the floor, towel in reach, and my night wear set to put on, I started the shower. I needed it hotter than normal. I wanted the streams to massage my body. I knew that I would be there for awhile but as I said earlier, I needed it. I set the shower on and closed the curtain. I checked the mirror again, just to make sure it was me. I stepped in and let the water pour over my strained body. The water felt good. It felt like a drug that I had been waiting for all day. I turned to let the back of me soak in my heroin. I wasn’t sure how long I had been turning and rubbing but it didn’t feel long enough. I let my mind wander to somewhere far away from where I was. For awhile there was nothing. I was in a black nothingness and all I could feel was the warm liquid dripping off me. I kept my eyes closed but there was a glimmer of a sense that I was not alone. I wasn’t scared though maybe I should have been. In an instant I wanted it to come back. With my eyes closed I nearly gave up as I surrendered myself to the passionately warm water washing over me when there it was again. With a feel of excitement that it was back but a fear that it would go away my eyes remained covered. My body began searching for it. The presence began in a series of flashes that brought immense pleasure to my entire body. I wasn’t sure why but though the hot water covered me there was a coolness that surrounded me and I loved it. I could feel it behind me, then in front of me, and as if it were a silk ghost, it ran across my neck. I couldn’t escape it and no part of my being that wanted to. My eyes were still shut and though I never felt an actually force I was thrown to the shower wall while he, yes he, ran across every inch of my body. My breath quickened and my heart was pounding its way out of my chest. There was a sudden flash that was brighter than the sun but again I never opened my eyes. As suddenly as the sensation began, it was gone. I took a minute to catch my breath and slowly uncovered my eyes. It was only me. The water had lost its high. I turned the handle off and grabbed my towel. I had to sit and on to the floor I wobbled down. I could never be sure what was there but what I was sure of was that I was not alone. . . and I wanted more.

291,500

2009-04-27T23:27:00.005-06:00

What's in a word?
Words lift
And words pull down
Life is surrounded by words
Life is controlled by words
Words come from the heavens
Words shoot through the depths of hell
A picture is worth a thousand words
But what is the worth of those words
Words of wisdom
Words of tears
Words of joy
Words of sorrow
lovely
lustfully
succulent
delicous
smooth
exquisite
pleasure
pain
hurt
anger
bitch
hate
love
lover
beauty
All these words
Which are right
Which are wrong
fear
war
famine
emotion
happiness
love
love
It is the only word
Out of the thousands
That puts it simply
How much I care for you

Fly

2009-04-20T22:52:00.003-06:00

Another Monday night
Another day gone
I’m fighting with myself
Till the break of dawn
I’m holding myself back
And I don’t know why
I ask to be free
But my life keeps passing me by
Another week to come
Another day to see
To find myself struggling
With who I want to be
Why can’t I look in the mirror
When the only one standing there is me
I must rise above and say

It’s my life
It’s my time
To stand on my own two feet
To be the man I saw myself become
No more holding my breath
No more holding me down
I will lift myself up
To the top of this mountain
And shout ‘I will overcome’
‘I will fly above’

Another Monday night
Another table cleared
She’s workin’ two jobs
Just to hold the one so dear
She’s holding herself back
And she doesn’t know why
She asks to be free
But the days just keep passin’ by
Another week to come
Another day to see
She’ll fight to see her daughter
She’ll fight just to breathe
She’ll take a look in the mirror
To see she’s not been beat
She will rise above and say

It’s my life
It’s my time
To stand on my own two feet
To be the person I saw myself become
No more holding my breath
No more holding me down
I will lift myself up
To the top of this mountain
And shout ‘I will overcome’
‘I will fly above’

When you look back on our lives
Please forgive what we did wrong
We fought for what was best for you
We’ve been fighting this war so long
We want you to see
That we’ve made it this far
When the day comes in your lives
When you don’t think you can go on
Look up, rise above and say

It’s my life
It’s my time
To stand on my own two feet
To be the person they saw myself become
No more holding my breath
No more holding me down
I will lift myself up
To the top of this mountain
And shout ‘I will overcome’
‘I will fly above’

Reflections

2009-04-02T23:45:00.000-06:00

Home again
A light chill in the night
I look up to see a thousand lights
They’re gone
A thick mist is now high above
A light
Inhale
Exhale
Though I am in the open
I feel no one sees me
Are you there?
Inhale
Exhale
A drink
The sound scrapes
Between melted sand
The world around me looks different tonight
It’s another view
Is it me that is looking?
Is it you?
Inhale
Exhale
The night brings questions
But the sounds of a calm night
That is what I want
I feel something around me
Do you feel me?
The lights are missing
But I peer on regardless
A flicker from across the grass
Inhale
Exhale
One night
Nothing has happened
But I’ve changed inside
Another drink
The coldness slides down my throat
What I want
Is what's keeping me from it
Inhale
Exhale
Home again
In the chill of the night

Out Of Reach

2009-03-31T23:30:00.001-06:00

I'm sittin in a daze
What would it be like
to take you by the hand
and in my arms tonight
with water beating down
on my window sill
you will never know
how much you've broken me

And I wanna lie in the rain
To wash away the pain
If you could only see
This love I have in me
but here I find again
the cold my only friend

A smile in a day
a laugh from in the crowd
I can't seem to drown
you outside of my head
I've fallen deep inside
love is out of reach
But I live another day
and I wait for you to breathe

And I wanna lie in the rain
To wash away the pain
If you could only see
This love I have in me
but here I find again
the cold my only friend

so I wait for the day
you take me by the hand
and open your eyes
to see who I am

Then I go another day
Waitin on a dream
I go another day
I wait for you to breathe
I wait for you to breathe

My Name
My Name
My Name

And I wanna lie in the rain
To wash away the pain
If you could only see
This love I have in me
but here I find again
the cold my only friend

And I wanna lie in the rain
To wash away the fear
So you could finally see
This love I have in me
but I find I'm back again
with the cold, my only friend

Another MySpace post.

Yesterday Is Gone

2009-03-31T23:22:00.002-06:00

I'm sitting here thinking of you

Remebering the times that we lived through

You were my rock, You were my strength

You were my favorite fight and my best friend

You had countless stories of the times of your youth

And with nothing but time on my hands

My attention went to you

You forgave me when we fought

You saw me for who I really was

And the amount of love you showed me

Could never be measured with words

I can't explain the pain that filled my heart

When I got the call the you had really gone

Thoughts filled my head of what I could have done

But there was nothing for it was time to go home

If there was anything I could do

To show my appreciation and love for you

It would be to show you who I am today

I don't look back on yesterday

I don't live for tomorrow

I live with knowig I am happy of being me

You bring my happiness to this very day

And I know that through this journey of life

You will be my light I hold close to my heart

For you help me to realize

To love in life

You have to love life

Thank you for loving me

And I'll see you when you call me back home

I had written this awhile back and posted to myspace and decided to put it here.

Sea Myth

2009-03-31T23:11:00.001-06:00

Can you feel it?
It sends a cold chill
Up the crevice of my back
It pulsates through the surface of my skin
My fingers touch the cold grainy earth
And each one of them become their own madmen
What the moonlight brings
And the sun takes away
The water crashes at my feet
Then seeps into my veins
It tingles as it crawls up my sides
And my heart pounds deep
You see me
I can’t see you
My breath is quiet but quick
It’s a single thought of you
The thought of your lips
Against mine
The thought of your breath
In my ear
Your eyes
Looking into my soul
And your touch
Upon my skin
A single thought of you
Drives me crazy
From within

Light of Your Eyes

2009-03-09T01:31:00.002-06:00

It broke me
I mourned you
I set you so high
And then you were gone
You loved me
You taught me
I loved you
I lost you
Your memory kept me going on
And I live now
Through the light of your eyes
Your soul
Your essence
Keeps me flying high
You never doubted me
You always had faith in me
And that’s what kept me going strong
The light of your eyes
Sometimes I grew weak
Sometimes my walk faltered
But you stood right by my side
Though life may get harder
I’ll still go farther
Your words keep my heart
Beating inside
And I live now
Through the light of your eyes
Your soul
Your essence
Keeps me flying high
You never doubted me
You always had faith in me
And that’s what keeps me going strong
The light of your eyes
And someday
I’ll pass your love down
And be there as you were for me
And they will live on
Through the light of your eyes
Your soul
Your essence
Will keep hem flying high
I’ll never have doubt
I’ll never lose faith
I’ll be what they need to be strong
From the light in your eyes

Dream

2009-02-06T21:50:00.001-07:00

With the view of your smile
And the dew on your skin
I inhale the fragrance
That is lifting from your body
With the light from your eyes
You pull me close to your bosom
And I listen to your heart
Beating so softly
What can this be
but a call from heaven
Who could you be
but an angel created for me
I run my fingers across your cheek
Through your hair
A tear falls
With one a finger
You lift my eyes to see yours
Our mouths touch to an endless embrace
Three words escape your lips
They fill the room
Surround me
Hold me tight
Through the walls
You found me
I love you

death on the sideline

2009-01-15T23:54:00.001-07:00

It was from a movie. As I watched it I knew that her life couldn’t be as bad, but that doesn’t mean that it was any better. I am engrossed with this feeling to pull her out of there and give her the things that my mother can’t. How am I going to do that for her when I can’t even do that for myself? She is one of the happiest little girls you will meet and I am starting to forget what that felt like. When all you wanted to do was have fun because those are the feelings that you like to feel best. I want to know what pure happiness is because I am not worried about the things that bring me down. And who am I to judge? I have no say-so because I have no idea what it is like raising a child on my own. The only thing I have to go on is being treated like that when I was her age. My heart tells me that it’s not right but where does that leave me when I can’t give her the things she needs? Where do I go from here? I can’t even be there for her as much as I want to because I know that in a weird sense in only that I understand, and my sister will too someday, that it will only further her from me. She is going to hate me later. People say she won’t but I know she will. She’ll hate me for making her live that life, knowing that I went through the same thing and did nothing. I know because there was a time when I thought I felt that way. Outsiders can only do so much and it took my will power to stand up and tell her no. God, I don’t want her to have to do that but I know it’s what has to be done. And it’s a death on the sideline for me because no one knows the amount of pain I go through to know exactly how she feels right now, and how she is going to feel. I can feel the answers flowing through my body, but I don’t know how to make things right. I love her and she knows that but where does that leave her? God, where does that leave me?

Lying to Thyself

2009-01-05T01:45:00.000-07:00

Why do people need love?
Is it the heartache
Is it the high
Is it feeling wanted
Is it feeling needed
Why do people want love?
Love brings tears
Love brings pain
Love brings warmth
Love brings soft touches
Why do people seek love?
Do I find joy in rejection
Do you find pleasure in lonely mornings
Do you find excitement
In the long hunt
Tell love to fuck off
So I can enjoy my popcorn
Tell love to back away
So you can watch the films
Of others falling in love
Who in the hell wants to be happy?
Bitching at someone
Breaking up with someone
Crying over someone
Holding someone
Kissing someone
Moving your soul in unison
With someone
Hey you!
Walking in front of me
Do you believe
In a sad story like love
Do you believe
In sickening amounts of affection
Do you believe
In the delusional state
Of having love everlasting
You do?
Then, uh
Do you believe
In love at first sight?

Soggy Ice Cream

2009-01-04T23:57:00.001-07:00

I just finished watching a sappy chick film and I cried . . . twice. I was about to watch another one when I remember that I have ice cream softening upstairs, so I pick to watch Hostel 2. I got to thinking as the movie was starting that I told myself I was going to stop looking for love, but I really haven't stopped. I keep asking myself over and over again "Why is it that I have this extreme need to be with someone?" I have yet to answer that question. I cry at the chick movies, I WATCH chick movies, I have my voicemail on a phone dating line, I check gay.com to see if maybe they have decided to give me a free month, I don't know what my problem is but I am needing a break. I feel exhausted and I don't know what the hell to do. Now I am sitting here eating soggy ice cream, watching a gore film, and I'm all alone. I need someone to tell me to stop being a woman and drink more :) just kidding. All right I am done bitching for the night.

Another Day, Another Year

2009-01-04T02:13:00.002-07:00

I have started anew with this coming year and have moved across town with a couple new faces. What the move will bring in unknown to me but I am grateful that I did it. This past year I have let down a few, I have helped a few people, I have let down myself, but most important of all, I have grown a little more. It has been an interesting life I have journeyed through so far and I can't wait to see what is to come.

I want to thank the people who have continued to be there for me, talk to me, laugh with me, cry with me, fight with me, and have forgave me for anything I have done to hurt them, for it was never my intentions. I am always grateful for the people I have in my life because they are all important to me and make me who I am. I have always said that I love me and it is because of everyone around me is a part of me. To love in life you have to love life and I love everything about my life.

For this upcoming year I hope to become more in contact with those few in which I have lost contact with. I hope to a better friend as they were once to me. I hope that everyone I know finds peace within themselves as well as around them. I hope that this new year brings more joy than pain, more laughter than tears, more love than hate, and more life than death. Lastly, I hope that Hope finds hope, for when Hope is without hope how the hell is anyone to hope for anything when Hope can't even find hope. There, I have said it so many times that it sounds weird. Thanks again everyone, I love you all . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .hope

Empty Promises

2009-01-02T18:06:00.003-07:00

For so long
It was me helping you
For so long
You were the child
You brought pain
You brought tears
You brought many days
Of empty promises
I grew and grew
I out-grew you
It's hard to see
A little you in me
Time has passed
Things have changed
You have aged
But you're still the same
There is someone new
In our lives
Another little one
To start anew with
But yet again
You prove the same
And I'm still left
with pain
tears
and empty promises

You Hate For Me To Love You

2008-12-31T01:59:00.000-07:00

'Do you have what I want

Do you have what I need

Can you work with my heart

Can you handle me'

You say I'm too much

But who can I be but me

You say I'm not enough

But what do you really see

You point out all of my imperfections

But you can't hold up one conversation

You're drowning in a waterless pool

But you're the one shouting, telling me I'm a fool

'Do you have what I want

Do you have what I need

Can you work with my heart

Can you handle me'

You say you don't want me

But you're still with me

You say you don't love me

But you can't leave me

Now I'm the one leaving

And you're the one pleading

Who has what you want

Who has what you need

You say I'm not enough

But who can I be but me

Acts of an Act

2008-12-31T01:55:00.001-07:00

It was a warm summer night
when our eyes met
One stroke of my hair
And our skin met
A sigh released
With your hand across my cheek
And your lips across mine
Your mouth was my cave to explore
And your body was my treasure
As or bodies moved in unison
A warmth filled my body
And soul
With your sweetness still lingering
small flashes light up the darkness
I pull you close to me
A tear falls from my brow
I rise to meet you
Our lips touch once again
Be it the First
But not the Last
For your sweetness lingers still
In the depths of my heart

with nothing spoken

2008-12-31T01:35:00.002-07:00

It’s not the way he looks at me
But the way he stares off into the distance
It’s not the way he touches me
But the way he pulls me by being near
It’s not the way he kisses me
But the way his taste lingers just by his scent
Nor is it the way he says ‘I love you’
But it’s his heavy breaths of ecstasy that send chills up my spine
When it’s right
You feel it
With nothing spoken
You feel it in everything he doesn’t do for you
With something that strong
It’s hard to hold back the feelings
When his endeavor is you
More than words
Less than actions
Real love
Is felt most when nothing is said at all

The Man

2008-11-30T01:14:00.005-07:00

I was asked one day
what kind of man would I like
to which I replied:

I would like a man
that isn't carved from stone
but one that was sent to me
from the highest of above
I want a man who,
when he walks into a room
steals no one's breath but mine
A man that at the very touch of his fingers
fills the rushing blood of my veins with air
which make my feels so light
I'm floating
A man that when he looks into my eyes
I am lost in a sea of clouds
That when he kisses me
The desire from my loins
is pulled through my lips
and the pleasure tastes as sweet as honey
And when he says 'I love you'
the words hold more meaning
than any man's wisdom
A man I wasn't looking for
but found anyway
For it is in this man
who not only holds my heart
but ours together

October 8, 2008

2008-10-09T01:17:00.000-06:00

October 8, 2008

Isn’t it funny how one movie can change your mood? On sad movies you cry then you feel depressed and wanna drink. On funny ones you feel happy, cheerful and wanna drink. On romance ones you feel lonely and you wanna drink……. with someone. But then there are the ones that sort of enlighten you, and though a drink still sounds good there is a whole range of emotions that you go through. Latter Days does that for me. Ok, I don’t feel enlightened every time after watching it but I do go through a whole range of emotions. Seeing a movie like that makes me want change but at the same time wait for that one thing to come along. It makes me depressed because I want to love someone but at the same time it makes me want to be patient for someone to love me. Movies like that make me wonder that if I wait long enough fate will bring me someone who loves me, or does fate need me to change first in order for me to find that someone that I can love? I never find the answer instead I listen to a soothing song, imagine someone holding me and fall asleep.

I can’t sleep alone. I have never been able to. I sleep on a couch because when I sleep on a bed I feel wrong because there is no body there to comfort me. I long for that arm around me and hold me close to tell me that everything is going to be ok even though nothing is wrong. I ream of being loved by someone who can understand more than what I am saying but understand who I am.

I have always said that I am not attracted to the feminine gays because if I wanted to date a girl I would be straight. There is a little more to it than that. I want someone who can be a gentleman to me, someone who cares more than the fact that I am gay but more about the fact that I am a good person. I need someone who can see more than just first impressions but who I am on a day to day basis. I find that to be in a lot of “straight-acting” men, if that’s what you want to call it. But there in lies the problem, who is the “right guy”? I can tell you down to table manners who my dream guy is but truth is, I want companionship and not just fun with a sparkling pair of pearly whites.

What does it come down to? How do I find what I am looking for without the phone dating line and the internet? I live in Fort Lupton, Colorado. In saying that with the fact that I don’t have a car (even though I own one), I am not helping myself much here. I am not sure what I want at this point and right now, I am too tired climbing around in my brain to figure it out. What I am going to do is listen to a soothing song, imagine someone holding me and fall asleep. Mr. Sandman, here I come.

Small Town Gay Life - Created July 10th, 2008

2008-10-03T01:44:00.002-06:00

I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t watch TV, I couldn’t even write. Why can’t I find love? Hell, I would even settle for a cuddle buddy. Living in this town is like having a restriction on a gay life. You have all the people who like you and support you but not one of these people actually would consider dating you. This is why I find myself falling for every unavailable guy I lay my eyes on. Living in the city you had all the resources there, a nearby club, a nearby sex shop, and with the internet, a nearby one night stand. But there was always someone willing to travel a few miles to see you even if all you wanted was some snuggling and a movie. You were right there, you were convenient. The weekend at the lake was even more torture.

For the past month a group of friends have been asking to try and get some time off to spend the weekend at the lake. Working with a “flexible schedule” can translate into unpredictable. Just because one request the weekend off does not mean one gets it. However, through some divine miracle, I got what I asked for. As the new schedule was posted I looked with glee to see those wonderful two days with no hours posted in them. I didn’t know what to do. And as they approached I received news that my roommates would be gone Friday night with the house to myself. So the first chance I got I picked up my cell to call an over the phone “dating” line. I was a little nervous at first but after talking to a few people I was pretty sure that I had the gotten the hang of it.

Friday night came and with my practice night over with I decided to use the rest of my free minutes and find a one night stand. I was on search for the very thing I swore off when I lived in the city, but I was desperate to find someone to spend the night, even if it meant I had to have sex with him. I logged on and listened to the men looking for sex, drugs, and fetish fantasies. Not many guys on there were actually looking to chat a little before. For many it was stats, where, and when, not much room for small chat. After leaving my own introduction I quickly got a response from a guy who seemed around my age and in a semi nearby neighboring town. Meaning within a half and hour. We exchanged messages for a little then I threw the shyness out the window and gave him my number to call me so we can set something up.

Now came the part where I hang up the line and wait for him to call.

And wait.....

Well, I guess there is always porn.

To Love Me

2008-10-03T01:40:00.002-06:00

Another lonely day

Another sleepless night

Both my enemy

And my only friend

Is the darkness in my sight

Awaiting numbing dreams

I cry myself to sleep

I wanna know when my time will come

Where is my love

A love to keep me

One more saddened song

Some other written words

I run through my emotions

I play with my own heart

It’s my shoulder I lean to first

Awaiting warm rays of the sun

I dry my tears away

Will it be today that brings the one

Please bring my love

A love to hold me

I’ve fallen in and out of love

With ones who’ll never know

I hold on to the hope

That I’ll find joy

I’ll find happiness

And when that day comes

I’ll give my heart way

To that someone

I’ll find a love

A love to love me

Another lonely day

Another sleepless night

Telekentic - Original Post Date November 5, 2007

2008-07-07T23:54:00.002-06:00

I was up late and an idea came to me. Instead of writing it in one of my notebooks I thought I would write it here. The thought of having supernatural abilities has always interest me so here was an idea from my head.

She looked at me and smiled. I can't remember the last time I had seen her smile. She held her hand to my chin and looked me straight in the eye. As she ran her fingers through my hair she let me know that we would get through this. She told me she wasn't afraid of what I could do, she said she just had to get used to it.

When she sat back, I brought myself a tissue box from the bathroom without moving from the couch.

"Like that. That was still a little creepy." She said with a laugh

We both laughed and talked. I told her of how it wasn't just little things I could move and about my trip to the mountains. There I learned I could move boulders in massive amounts, shift object without even opening my eyes, even have trees bow down to me without breaking any part of it. I even told her that I was able to use my powers to fly, she didn't say much but it caught her attention.

"Are you serious? You could just fly out that window?" She asked with one eyebrow up.

I nodded and something told me that I struck an interest in her. I walked over to the balcony and without a word she followed me. When I took her hand she looked a little afraid but she exhaled deeply as to try and shake off any fear. With that I closed my eyes and we both took of into the night sky.

When she felt she was safe in the air, she opened her eyes and I told her to look over the city. At first she clung to my arm, scared she might fall. I told her she could let go for it wasn't my arm I was holding her with, it was my mind. I didn't think she would but slowly I felt her grip get weaker until she was no longer holding me. We flew all around the city, watching the pulse of the night life. We flew over the houses of people we knew, where we worked, even a few parks we went to as kids. After what seemed like hours I brought her back home.

She couldn't put her thoughts into words but we spent the rest of the night talking about how I discovered my powers and everything I could do. With everything I told her, I never got the nerve to tell her what happened in the desert. I couldn't tell her what I was capable of if my anger ever took over my abilities. It was something that still scared me to death.

Yesterday Is Gone - Original Post Date October 21, 2007

2008-07-07T23:53:00.003-06:00

I'm sitting here thinking of you

Remembering the times that we lived through

You were my rock, You were my strength

You were my favorite fight and my best friend

You had countless stories of the times of your youth

And with nothing but time on my hands

My attention went to you

You forgave me when we fought

You saw me for who I really was

And the amount of love you showed me

Could never be measured with words

I can't explain the pain that filled my heart

When I got the call the you had really gone

Thoughts filled my head of what I could have done

But there was nothing for it was time to go home

If there was anything I could do

To show my appreciation and love for you

It would be to show you who I am today

I don't look back on yesterday

I don't live for tomorrow

I live with knowing I am happy of being me

You bring my happiness to this very day

And I know that through this journey of life

You will be my light I hold close to my heart

For you help me to realize

To love in life

You have to love life

Thank you for loving me

And I'll see you when you call me back home

Auto-karma-tic, Interjection, Or Free Will - Original Post Date May 6, 2007

2008-07-07T23:51:00.001-06:00

Okay, so I am here to try to put things in perspective for myself. I was visiting my cousin Michelle in the hospital when I was trying to put together some events that have taken place. She was in an accident that has literally changed everyone's life. She was that important to people, that important to me. However, looking back I cannot get something out of my head.

With Karma, the golden rule is what goes around, comes around, but I can't think of anything that she could have done to deserve this. And while we were all affected by it, this accident didn't happen to us, it happened to her. Now, some say that God is giving us a bump in the road. Let me say this again, I have faith in God, I always have, and no matter what you think of what I say next is going to affect that. Now, that said, let me continue. The God that I have learned about ever since I was a child is this ever loving God who wants nothing but to love his creation, his children. Something else I learned is that though God may have the power to do some wonderous things, let us not forget that he also gave this world free will. Do I think that he doesn't answer prayers? Of course not. Do I think that he doesn't help us? I'm not saying that. What I am saying is that he wouldn't do anything to hurt us, I don't think that at all.

When an accident happens, it's just that, an accident. I have doubts to think that God would do hurt his own child for us to wake up and realizing what a loving God he is. However, if you are still shaking your head, let me go about it this way. In some part of the beginning, God gave mankind free will (not free willy). In that fact he gave us the chance to make mistakes, have accidents, and learn lessons on our own. Following that line of thinking I can see how people can say that this was an act of God, but he didn't purposefully put my cousin in front of a speeding vehicle. So the question that lies here is was it karma, God, or just free will coming into play? I know my answer and I am sticking with it.

So just to repeat myself, I haven't lost my faith in God. I just see things differently and I had to get that off my chest. I'm still praying for Michelle to have a fast recovery and she is doing so good. Thanks for listening.

Let's Talk About Choice, Ba-by - Original Post Date October 21, 2007

2008-07-07T23:49:00.001-06:00

I never thought that the subject of sex could be the cause of so much controversy. I shouldn't be surprised for it does show up in history that it was NOT the most talked about subject since the dawn of man......... or was it. The subject has come up with some of my family members of why they think that I am who I am. Was it that my father wasn't really in the picture? Was is it that my mom never censored me as a child? Was it genetics? I can't answer these questions because I am not sure. What I can answer is the question I have gotten before. When did you choose this?

The answer, not the explanation, is this. I never had a choice. This wasn't a fad I saw and decide it was the better way to go. The only choices I had in this was to be who I was and let myself know that is was okay to be me. Now, let me explain. Growing up I never saw two men getting it on, I never saw two women making out, I never say a man dress up like a woman as a lifestyle. Before I saw any of this there was a guy. A friend of a cousin of mine. Everytime he came around I wanted to be around him. He was my first crush. My thoughts then were not "My god what is wrong with me" or "Are people going to hate me if I say anything." No, my first thought was "Me Like." The only lesbian couple that I can remember being around never showed that kind of emotion around me, for a long time I thought there were sisters. So my question then is how could I choose something that I didn't even know existed? How can I choose a lifestyle that was never introduced to me? I never saw same sex couples so why would I think it was ok?

A few people I have talked to like to bring God into the conversation. Something I can't get into me head is how a God and his Son are supposed to be so forgiving, so loving, would put me to death for something I, once again, didn't know I had a choice in. I have to say that if I had a choice, I wouldn't have chosen this lifestyle. I refuse to think that God and Jesus could forgive rapists (a violation that to me can never be forgiven), forgive murderers, but can't forgive me for loving someone who happens to be the same sex.

Now, there are those people who will tell others that it is no one's business what they do in the privacy of their own bedroom but to that statement I have this to say. If that is all you think that being gay or bi is, then why bother letting people know you are? Being gay, bi, or even straight is more than just sex. Being who you are is more than loving someone in the bedroom. It is about loving that person no matter where you are. It is about showing how you feel for someone no matter who is looking. Most of all it is about being happy of who you are because you love someone, and that person loves you back.

I think people need to be more worried about human lives rather than human lifestyles. This isn't some disease that is spreading, killing innocent people. There are children out there being abused to their very last breath, there are elderly who can't remember the people they have loved their whole lives, there families who have lost their father/mother/grandfather/grandmother/son/daughter because someone had a grudge on our goverment and took it out on innocent lives. There aren't a lot of people who are concerned about them, instead they want to focus on why people in our community wanting to get married, making accusations that affecting the sanctity of marraige. Isn't the point of marraige love? In the words of Whoopi "If you are that concerned with gay people getting married, don't marry one." Besides, I think those people should choose to get to know us before they judge........................................................

We're supposed to be more fun anyway, j/k.

Distraction, Attraction,..............Procrastination? - Original Date August 1, 2006

2008-07-07T23:42:00.006-06:00

I pondered many a-thing today. I woke up this morning,........................this afternoon, trying to think of what I was going to do today. I needed to find a job and though I had already put in a few applications, I felt that maybe I needed to go drive around town and pop in to see if anyone was hiring. It seemed like every time I got the thought in me to do something, I saw something on T.V. that I wanted to see or my aunt was calling me to help her with something or my stomach was getting the best of me. It took me three hours to hall my ass into the shower.

When I was done showering, I did that thing where we look into the mirror to find the things not even we, ourselves would not be attracted to. My best friend was telling me that when her friends would meet me that they thought I was cute, sometimes hot. SOMETIMES! <----- That was for me so my head doesn't get too big, just kidding. Anyway, After spending sometime getting my hair ready, making sure I smelled good (breath is important), and picking out the right outfit, I completely forgot that I was even going to drive around town. Instead, I headed to my best friends' house. Which, by the way, is never a bad idea because I love her so much, but come on! I needed a job.

After reviewing my activities today, I wondered if subconsciously I took my time on purpose. Looking back on it now, I didn't really look foward to driving around in the heat in an outfit that suffocated me. Then again, if I took another look, it is Fort Lupton, to drive around takes seven minutes. Was it the heat that was getting to me, or was it that I was procrastinating about getting another job?

The Man "O" - Original Post Date September 26, 2006

2008-07-07T23:42:00.005-06:00

Move-In Day

Before anything was moved in Jesse had to take one look at the house that he was going to live in for the rest of his life with the man he loved. Ok, so he was moving into the first house with the man he loved, because you can't deny the oncoming train of change. He took a few minutes to look around and view the house empty, letting the image soak in and the realization that this house was his. There was a small tingle in the back of his throat but was swallowed when there was a "honey" call from the front yard. When he reached for the door knob, there was a small fear of what was going to happen next, he was afraid to open the door to this new chapter in his life. He smiled, then........open.

He was suprised to see the movers were there with overly huge smiles on there faces. They almost looked more excited to move them in than he did. He gave the big thumbs up and they began to move with such quickness it almost made him dizzy.

"Look Babe, I know that you feel a little nervous, but I have to tell you that I cannot wait to start making some gooood memories in this house with you. I mean, it's so exciting! Our first house!"

That did make Jesse feel a little better that Danny didn't see them at this house for the next fifty years.

"Danny. Okay, now that they have started, I am putting my trust in you to remember what we discussed about furniture. I gotta go to work before I am late for breakfast with Rae. I love you."

Kiss, "I love you too. I'll see you in a few hours."

He always gotta kick out of how Danny remembered their shopping after eating. As he got into the car, Jesse started thinking about his dream last night. The things he saw seemed like something out of Mortal Kombat game. He tried to be his own therapist to see if there was anything he could link anything in the dream to the fear of moving in with Danny and though there might have been a few things the dream just seemed pointless. He always tried to write them down as soon as he woke up but there was something that kept him from doing that today.

Jess's stomach was growling loudly this morning. Now, he did have days he just woke up hungry and today was no exception. It wasn't that he was late on breakfast but he had woke up early to get some last minute items from his apartment. Leaving that place wasn't so hard. He and his landlord were not too fond of each other. The location was great, the price was very reasonable, and the landlord had said that he was one of the best tenants he has had for years. It was everything else that seemed to get in the way. Their political views, their views on certain adjustments with the building, and less he forget, the fact that Jess was a same sex kind of guy. Anyway, that was all over and he now had something to look forward to in his new place.

He was thinking about the movers and if they were being careful with his glass boxes when his phone rang. It was so loud it nearly made him swerve into the next lane. It was his mother. He was hesitant to answer but picked up before it went to voicemail. Like always, she began with simple conversation but went on about the new gossip of everyone else's life, the fights she got into with her husband, and the problems she had with his sister Nina who was in the rebellious stage in her teen life. Jess learned to pay attention to what she said and drown her voice out at the same time. He had grown tired the pointless phone calls about how bad she had it. It wasn't that he didn't care, but at the same time, it wasn't like he could do much about it. He couldn't take care of someone who doesn't want to take care of themselves anymore. He had put up with a lot of bullshit with her in the past and he was fed up with it now.

He let her go as he pulled up to the restaurant and there was that mouth-watering smell of the Santiago's breakfast cooking up. Rae pulled up at the same time he did and he noticed that she was dressed a little down than she usually does for their weekly breakfast.

"Damn, if I would have known this was a pajama breakfast, I would have worn my scoobie doo boxers. What's wrong? You look a little like hell."

"Gee, thanks. Christopher happened. He woke me up at four this morning to let me know he puked in his bed after he ate something that looked like a bunch of tic tac's. I was freaking out, thinking it was some rat poison I had set out and took him to the emergency room. I started calling John all crazy because he wouldn't answer his phone. After like fifteen minutes he finally picked up. After I spit out what happened he hung up and sped to the hospital." She rubbed her head like the memory hurt.

"After like an hour and half of waiting, they came out and told me he was fine. What he though were tic-tac's were in fact tic-tacs, he is allergic to them. I took him home and tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't" She seemed like the words were agony to come out."

After getting out the morning events, they sat down and ordered. Everytime they looked at the meny they want to get something different, but everytime they just spit out their usual order, it's like clockwork. Jess wanted to let Rae know about his dream but for awhile kept it to himself. After a half hour of adjusting in his seat, he finally got the nerve to spill his beans about it. He started to describe it and as he did Rae noticed that he was shaking a little bit, like he was scared to talk about it. It wasn't like it was a nightmare, in fact, he doesn't remember even feeling scared in the dream, or when he woke up. Yet, it seemed chilling for him to talk about it out loud. Like it was almost too much for him to handle.

After they finished breakfast, Rae thought it best she go home and try to get some sleep. They said their goodbye's for the week and went to the duties for the day. The rest of the week seemed to drag a little bit after that and Jess wasn't up for working on the house. Danny helped that Sunday with thngs but went to work that Monday. Jess stayed home to work on unpacking and re-arranging some of the furniture until it felt just right. Finally, after two weeks it began to feel like home.Danny worked till six most days after that they spent most of the nights making fun memories for their new home. Another Friday night rolled around, and with everything done for now, both of them just wanted to sleep.

"Focus O. Remember, if you can put fear into your enemy's eyes, they are yours for the killing after."

That was all he remembered from his dream that night. He woke up sweaty and tired. He never thought that a dream would take that much out of him but it did. He looked at the clock to see if he overslept but he hadn't, actually he still had an hour to sneak if he wanted. The phone rang, it was Rae. She called to ask him to meet her a little earlier, she had something she wanted to tell him. He hung up the phone and hopped into the shower to geat ready to meet her. After he got out he expected to see Danny up but he was still asleep, which was odd because he usually woke up long before Jess would. When he tried to wake him, he just grunted and turned his head. Jess figured he might be tired from moving so he finished getting ready and headed out.

As he drove up to Santi's, he inhaled the incredible smell coming the restaurant. He was almost to the door when he heard Rae call for him across the street. She parked in lot across from the restaurant because the front parking was all full. He started walking toward her to meet her waving hand when he noticed a man standing beside her waving also. Jesse wasn't sure what was going on but started crossing the street anyway. Who knew two steps off a curb would change your life.

What happened next was sort of hard to intake when Jesse ran through it in his head. Rae's expression went from extreme eagerness to total fear. He wasn't sure what made him turn around but when he did, was staring at the gun that was pointing right for his head. Even though he froze up from shock he could still hear the cars coming toward him.

It just seemed like he blinked and the man who was about to shoot him was now lying on the ground behind the cars that nearly killed him. Jesse rushed to see if the man was ok but The he wasn't even breathing. Th man that seemed like he wanted to take Jesse's like was now dead himself.

Dream

2008-07-07T22:16:00.005-06:00

A Kind of Love

2008-07-07T22:16:00.004-06:00

Though I am not alone
I am in solitude
Though I have many people around me
It is still only me
I have friends that love me
I have family that love me
So why is there no one to love
Most say I’m too young
I still want someone to love
Someone to love me
Some say I should wait
I still want someone to love
Someone to love me
I’ll stand proud to most
I’ve stood proud to all
With the smoothness of my hips
A smile upon my face
I still want someone to love
Someone to love me
Manly men
Gentle men
Gentlemen
Shy men
Fun men
Men to love
With all these men
I feel that I am the only one
I find myself no longer looking
Still yearning
But no longer searching
I feel there is hope
But I cannot find it
And I still want someone to love
Someone to love me
I love myself and there is love to share
I love what I do and I try to do for others
I love to laugh and try to bring laughter
I love life and have life to love
But there is something about that love
The kind of love that sinks in your heart
The kind of love that buries itself in your soul
The love that brings
Warmth
Joy
Tears
Pain
Overflowing cups of happiness
With no one to love
I love my friends
I love my family
Most say I’m too young
But I still want someone to love
Someone to love me